So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?

I've been incredibly lonely lately. My spirits are down and I'm just bummed out. Kind of been feeling like a failure in certain parts of my life. It seems that hard work isn't paying off and no matter how hard I kick my ass to make things happen, they don't go through as planned. Ive been having weird images in my head lately as well. I was driving and Christian and I were just driving listening to music, and I saw my entire funeral. I saw peoples reactions to my untimely, unplanned decease. I don't know why but at that moment the image was incredibly clear. I saw many people who I haven't spoken with in months but yet I know would be at the funeral if I were to go. It was such an out of body experience that happened in a moment. I am unsure what it meant, or why it happened, but it was so strange.

Ive been in my head a lot lately. But the more time I spend there it seems the less I am. Its like standing in a large ballroom with no one to talk to. So I just sit there in silence. Im curious to where my thoughts could be. Because I am there, in my head....waiting. But my thoughts never arrive.

I also feel like all my dreams and aspirations will never come true. Its not like a feeling though, its almost like an understanding. And yet when it hits me, and I see all those dreams slip away, I get a sense of it being expected and maybe I just ignored it.

I have let down a lot of people in my life. But dear god, Ive let down myself more than anyone.

I need to get out of this. I need to escape. I feel like I am trapped in a glass box, with eyes eager to explore the open spaces that surround me. But there is that glass, that imaginary perimeter I cannot cross.

I come back to the feeling of loneliness. I know I shouldnt, but I am envious of others that surround me. I am jealous of their imperfect relationships that are destined to fail. Maybe it is because even when I know they will fail, and possibly end up hating each other, they will have a new skin to live with. They will gain from that experience. Am I just wanting to gain as a human being? To learn and to aspire to be great because I have discovered new emotions from a risk that I took? Ive taken that risk before, it was harder than I imagined. But I am noticing every day something that came out from it and I want more. I want more knowledge of what I am capable of. Where will this heart lead me? What will this brain show me? Why have I yet to tap into its resources that I am so eager to research.

Can I grow how I want just from love?

Or will I still be wanting things I do not know exist or not?