I've always been amazed on how the mind works. I've pointed this out before to friends of mine. The fact that we can remember so much small detail about things. Think of this for me; Think of every name of every person you know. Then think of every memory of all those people. Then think of things that remind you of them (songs, smells, etc.). Then think of how your brain can remember songs, lyrics, parts in a song where an instrument does something. It goes on and on and its amazing. But the reason I am even talking about the mind and how it works, is how it will take over your entire body. It will physically effect you at times. I recently broke up with my gf and was devastated by it. But even though I was so tired from not getting much sleep and working all day, I could not sleep. My brain was still actively preventing my sleep because my thoughts could not escape her. And then it has the control of making you feel sick or not hungry even. It also sometimes will control itself and not allow you to have any control. I would try to focus on other things and be productive, but I found myself drifting off into day dreams of her. Non-stop. It still is happening now. My thoughts have been hi-jacked to do only one thing. And that is think of her.
Your brain can also be indecisive. For example, I dont want to think of her because it will make me miss her. It will make me depressed. It will make my mood horrible. But then I also want to think of nothing of her. Because I miss her so much that I want to take each thought that I have and dwell on it. Because right now, that is the closest I can get to her.
Your brain can make believe. Day dreaming is awesome. You see a movie in your head and that movie is playing out with the characters and story line that you want. All my mind is day dreaming about is how I can mend the tear I caused in us. Stressing myself on finding the perfect words to say to get everything that I want and that she wants. I picture my approach and my tone and my words, and imagine how they will play out. Then change them and see how they will play out. And when I decide to play out one of the scenarios I am day dreaming about and make it real, I will not have those perfect words to say. I will shake with a tremble in my voice not being able to keep it at a tone I would like. But if I put that sincerity into my eyes, it wont matter what I say, or how I sound.
Pretty much all I am trying to say in this blog is, I made a mistake and broke things off with someone I truly love and care about greatly. I have torn myself into pieces trying to find a way to get her back in my life. I have taken the problems we have and said "There is no solution" when there are plenty of solutions.
I will fix this. If you truly care about something you need to fight for it, and I was blind before. I didn't fight. I will win her back.
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I daydream a lot about things I want to say to people. And I don't mean a couple of words or sentences, I mean full on conversations. But lately when these inner monologues start to play in my brain, instead of just letting them run and then run away I let them run for a while then I stop those fuckers right in their tracks until they can all be accounted for. I've started writing out these thoughts of what I want to say to these people, word for word. So that when someday when I do actually make the real conversations happen, I won't have to trip over my words. I will know exactly what I want to say and, intonation aside, those people will either take it for what it's worth or not. And that's that.
I am sorry about your gf. You wrote this at the beginning of march so...I'm not sure of your current status, but either way. Everything is as it should be and if/when you want to move on, you will. Or if/when you truly want her and if you allow yourself be open to her GIVING herself to you (as opposed to "winning" her), then she will. If it's meant to be it then, well, it's meant to be.
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