I want something else to get me through this life....

I woke up today feeling like shit. Yea, it's New Years Day. No I did not party too hard. No I did not really party at all. This was one of the first New Years in the past few years that I did not take any thing. Didn't drink. Didn't smoke. Nothing. Just enjoyed the company of family and fed my fat ass.  At the end of the night, before getting into bed, I started to notice a scratchy throat. So I took some essential oils hoping it wasn't too late to knock it out. And then I slept. AND I SLEPT FUCKING WONDERFULLY! I haven't slept that good in a long time. It was cut short, but I was shocked at the level of comfort and deepness I was able to achieve. Quite awesome. So I got up and started off with the day and the sickness crept in. The throat was sore, the nose was stuffed, and the body just doesn't feel like it should. Took some Sudafed and now I'm feeling odd. Not better, not worse, but odd. It's a type of sickness I have never really felt before. I am sure it is just a common cold. But today, overall it just feels weird. Almost like being high, or on a intense pain killer. At some points, almost like I am going to pass out but without feeling lightheaded. Not sure how to explain that better, as it is a new feeling to me. So I drove to work, and here I sit. Not sure I really want to be here. I just don't feel top notch. But I have sort of been feeling that way about a lot of areas of my life. I just don't feel top notch. When I think of being the best that I can be, or the best that I have been in the past, I am the furthest from that right now. I can't grip reality. I daydream often. I lack the motivation to do the most simple of tasks. The ADD that I was diagnosed with is definitely apparent now more than ever. I didn't used to get bothered when people said things like "they are having bad ADD" today or something. Like it's something similar to the lack of sleep or something. It's something that goes away or can become more intense on some days than others. Having gone through my entire life not doing well at certain things, important things, and being self destructive in my behavior only to have it diagnosed as ADD and making sense, it bothers me that people think that they have ADD when they clearly do not. It's hard to get people to understand how sometimes my ADD just refuses to allow me to function. Before I was diagnosed or medicated for it, it's just how I was. I was accustom to feeling and behaving how I did. I knew nothing different. After being prescribed medication for the ADD, it opened my eyes. I became GREAT at being me. I excelled at my job. I ENJOYED my job. I was able to be a better parent, spouse, etc. I did things that I wanted, because I was able to manage my time well enough to get through the things that needed to get done and get started on the things that gave me joy. My hobbies. My interests. Then I hit a financial roadblock. I lost my insurance. I could no longer afford getting my medication. It has become a incredibly giant mess that is my life since. No matter how much someone gets on to me about needing me to do something, no matter how much I try to give myself a pep-talk in my head to motivate me, it doesn't happen. The old me sucks. But it is worse now. Having seen the other side of living, it sucks being back to the slow, old me. It's sad that I have to rely on a medication to function, but those are the cards I was dealt. So hopefully I can change that in the upcoming weeks.

Going on about feeling not myself. I wonder sometimes about purpose in life. It's not a depressing perspective. I am just curious, for each different person, for each different life, what do they need to accomplish to be happy with the life that they have created. Sure we will have failures along the way. But what is each person's masterpiece? What is my masterpiece? What is going to be my thing that discover inside myself that defines me? I think that this is a quarter life crisis for many people. Especially in this generation. They need to find purpose and success in whatever it is they are doing. I know I do. Here's something that I wonder about constantly. Do people have multiple dreams? Do you reading this have lots of different dreams about life? Like when you hear that someone "pursued their dream", was that the only dream that they have? I have a lot of dreams about things. They all seem to be intertwined. If I can find success in one dream than that means I can find and pursue the others. This post was not meant to be a reflective post with it being New Years day and all, but it's turning into it. I look around at the people I know and I can find the thing that defines them. Whether that be their occupation, their hobby, etc. I'm not sure what people see when they look at me. What defines me? Do people look at me and think instantly of my kid? He's just a parent? Let me give you an example. I can look at my friend Bruce, and what comes to mind when I think of Bruce is the military. He has always been into the military since I met him. I can look at my friends in The Young Electric...and their BAND is what defines them. That is their passion. Their talent. That's what people see when they look at them individually. So I am not sure what defines me. I don't care really what people see. I don't care much about how others see me. The reason I ask the question is more for myself than anything else. Just because I am having a hard time defining myself. I don't think I have spoken up enough for myself this past year though. I've been really passive about the things in my life. I don't take control of a lot of situations. I don't decide on things with confidence. I think I need to start following my ideas, my passions, etc. I want to start taking risks again. I think I want to start making those confident decisions and take those with me who want to come along for the ride. I have always had a vision of my future, but never has it turned out how I expected. The reason being what I just described. Just going with the flow and letting things happen. Not making things happen. Guess I better get on it.