I was driving to work this morning contemplating birthday gift ideas for my mother. I still need to get her something, as seeing that I am about 6 months late on it. But I will get her something none the less. I know of a writer that she enjoys whose books haven't been in print for some 50 odd years. I got her one of those books a few Christmas' ago, and she was shocked to receive it. But since that time she has purchased many books and I am not sure if she owns more of this same authors work.

I thought it would be great to have a database, like you would see online when shopping for something, that tells you whether it is in stock or is owned, but strictly for personal use. Where each holiday, birthday, wedding, etc. you could look up a persons specific database. You could check to see if they have certain items for the gift you have in mind.

That would help me out greatly in buying gifts. But as you can tell, I am bad at purchasing gifts.

Lately, been on a health kick. And by kick I mean KICK MY ASS. Though I am eating healthier (or at least attempting to) which is good. Also been working out a lot. I really wish the weather would warm up because I would like to go running. Good cardio would make all this excess weight drop right off. But we'll just keep on waiting.

Thats it for now.

Get me out of here...I DO NOT BELONG!

I have sat at work all day today stressing over the fact I have to be here. Frankly, I need to eat. I would not be doing this shit if I didn't have to. But what would I be doing if I were not here? I honestly haven't a clue. But yet here I sit full of energy, anticpating the moment in which I can leave. I have realized things today that effect my future. As of this moment I have nothing that is stable. My job is what most of you will consider stable. But I will not be here forever. I do not want to come to this building everyday to listen to people scream at me as to why their money has not been deposited into their account, or that the system in which they make the money is not working. Red in the face, I'm sure, upset at ME that I somehow messed up. 90% of the time it not even being a fault by myself or the company in which I work for. When it actually ends up being their own fucking fault. It seems evil. All these people getting angry, and fiery mad. Having no respect for the person on the other end. All over money. It doesn't seem right. It upsets me that this is what I subject myself to everyday. This is not meaningful. Why am I wasting my time being here.

Oh yea, I need to eat.

I like being Dr. Dan. When did I become this person where friends of mine come to me for their problems? I don't mind it, but it's nice that they come to me for my opinion. I have a lot of female friends who pain me over and over. Just because they don't get it. This will be the worst written entry on this page by the way. No thinking, just typing what comes out. Ok, back on topic. Currently, my friend is dating boy. Boy hears from ex that she is pregnant. Leaves friend and goes back to ex. Days later, breaks up with ex again and tries to return to friend. No bueno. Cut from the team.

Also, other friend is casually dating boy. Friend loses virginity to boy. Boy explains he wants to the best for friend. Boy starts acting distant and hard to understand. FRIEND DOESNT GET IT.

Thats as simple as it can be written. Maybe they will read this and get it. Knock knock.

I am wanting to expand. Create hobbies in a variety of different medias to keep myself busy. Lately it feels like I am busy in supplying the needs for other people. Out of 100% of my day, maybe 10% at MAX is done doing something that is strictly for me. My own time. Sometimes feeling trapped. There really isnt enough time in the day. I want more.

I just moved into my grandmas house because I NEEDED a place to live. Within only a matter of days I am realizing this to be a mistake. I no longer can live with family. After living with my girlfriend for that past few months and finally moving out to some place new, moving in with family is depressing. Family gets into patterns to where they don't see you out of what they already know of you. I am not being seen as an adult male. I am being seen as the baby of the family. Maybe this is a subconcious way of feeling younger. (Someone just brought cake to my desk. BOMB DIGGITY!) But none of the things in my life that I consider priorities, are seen as priorities to them. I will always stay young. I will always act like I am still in junior high. But that does not prevent me from taking responsibility when I need to. I do not find my place of residence as stable. I have no place to call home right now. If I were able to, I would live in an apartment by myself. The idea of living on my own is relaxing to me. In high school, I talked with friends on the joys and excitement we would endure by being roommates. After many roommates and living quarters, I have realized it is not enjoyable. It does nothing but actually break those friendships. So I will search to find a single apartment. We'll see if I can find something stable. I would like to go home. I just need to find it first.

(This cake isn't THAT great.)

I will market myself. It doesn't matter what you think about it. I do not intend to gain anything but the satisfaction in myself. But you will see. I will work on it.

That is enough for now.

A beautiful mind....

I've always been amazed on how the mind works. I've pointed this out before to friends of mine. The fact that we can remember so much small detail about things. Think of this for me; Think of every name of every person you know. Then think of every memory of all those people. Then think of things that remind you of them (songs, smells, etc.). Then think of how your brain can remember songs, lyrics, parts in a song where an instrument does something. It goes on and on and its amazing. But the reason I am even talking about the mind and how it works, is how it will take over your entire body. It will physically effect you at times. I recently broke up with my gf and was devastated by it. But even though I was so tired from not getting much sleep and working all day, I could not sleep. My brain was still actively preventing my sleep because my thoughts could not escape her. And then it has the control of making you feel sick or not hungry even. It also sometimes will control itself and not allow you to have any control. I would try to focus on other things and be productive, but I found myself drifting off into day dreams of her. Non-stop. It still is happening now. My thoughts have been hi-jacked to do only one thing. And that is think of her.

Your brain can also be indecisive. For example, I dont want to think of her because it will make me miss her. It will make me depressed. It will make my mood horrible. But then I also want to think of nothing of her. Because I miss her so much that I want to take each thought that I have and dwell on it. Because right now, that is the closest I can get to her.

Your brain can make believe. Day dreaming is awesome. You see a movie in your head and that movie is playing out with the characters and story line that you want. All my mind is day dreaming about is how I can mend the tear I caused in us. Stressing myself on finding the perfect words to say to get everything that I want and that she wants. I picture my approach and my tone and my words, and imagine how they will play out. Then change them and see how they will play out. And when I decide to play out one of the scenarios I am day dreaming about and make it real, I will not have those perfect words to say. I will shake with a tremble in my voice not being able to keep it at a tone I would like. But if I put that sincerity into my eyes, it wont matter what I say, or how I sound.


Pretty much all I am trying to say in this blog is, I made a mistake and broke things off with someone I truly love and care about greatly. I have torn myself into pieces trying to find a way to get her back in my life. I have taken the problems we have and said "There is no solution" when there are plenty of solutions.

I will fix this. If you truly care about something you need to fight for it, and I was blind before. I didn't fight. I will win her back.

Add a year on....Im getting up there....

Another year has passed, and here I sit at the end of Day 1 of being 22. This week has been one incredibly tough yet also rewarding in strange unexpected ways. As much as I hate birthdays, I do believe this one was different. I feel like its almost a rebirth in ways. I plan on changing so much that my 21st year was based on. I promised myself changes that need to happen. But oh well. We'll see. I have 365 until I am 23. Lets see what I can make of this.

music box....

we move for all mankind, a million miles from everything we've ever known
and we're on their hearts and minds, a million heads are bowed to bring us safely home
hemmed in by emptiness, a million ways that everything could be undone
this hollow in my chest is filled with reasons not to sing but I found one, I know

we are not alone, we feel an unseen love
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes

in sleep we saw ourselves, a million years we had been waiting there it seems
while someone weaves a spell, a million stars look on in witness to our dreams, I know

we are not alone, we feel an unseen love
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes

we feel an unseen love
we are children of light

we are not alone, we feel an unseen love
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes

stand ready and tall, reflect the light

- dustin kensrue

Where is my mind?

I am just waiting for something to happen. Anything would be good. Anything at all.

So here I sit...

With lots of thoughts, but not much to say to anyone. There are a lot of feelings I would like to express to people. But not now. I dont have the correct words. If I were to open up and say how I felt, I wouldnt be comfortable with how it is perceived. I wouldnt feel that my words could express how I am feeling at the moment. So people who need to be told how I am feeling towards them would get a misconstrued view.

I am bothered by everyones opinions on how I am living my life. Your comments, your opinions, etc.....you can keep to your fucking self. I do not have to listen to them, and there is no point in saying it. My choices do not effect you or your life. Yet nothing that I am doing is harmful. (This is not about substances.)