Its an interesting place I find myself at while I sit here at work in the early morning. I spend most nights fantasizing about where I want to be and what I want to spend my life doing. But every morning I wake and end up wasting a day doing something I hate. I'm trying to find my center. I'm trying to find my euphoria. It will come to me eventually. It has to. These aren't just dreams. Its almost as if I feel I can look into the future and I see me being who I see. That person of where I am and who I am is amazing. Its real. Its no fantasy. I know to get to that person, I cannot just sit around and wait for it to happen. The most amazing part about it is that I know the steps I need to take. I know I have it in me too. I feel amazing. I am amazing. I want this world to see it.
I can't get you out of my head. I tried to run away from you to protect you. I tried to remove myself from the situation to have a better chance in the future for maybe something. But you've been on my mind. And you really shouldn't be. Everything about the idea of you and I is wrong. We shouldn't be what I know we both want. But I want it badly. Even though we don't talk much, I think about you a lot throughout the day. I miss you. And sometimes, I feel as if we're perfect for each other. But I shouldn't be teasing myself like this. I love teasing you though. I love joking around with you and being silly. Its honestly the most real I've ever been. You're lucky to see this part of me. Because most never do. Man, I really love the idea of "us". I should stop daydreaming before I get myself in trouble. I'm a sucker.
I've been thinking about technology lately and all the pros and cons to advancing it. Of course life saving technology and all that stuff is great and excellent. But I'm more talking about cell phone, internet, etc. Things we use on a daily basis. I was watching a comedian the other day who based part of his stand-up about how we have become greedy with technology and instant service. How we have all lost our patience. When we don't have 3G service, we freak out. How when the pilot comes on and tells the passengers the high-speed internet isn't working, people complain. 5 years ago, the things we use now on a daily basis, we wouldn't really even think imaginable. But I've noticed something about the youth of today. They are much smarter than the youth of 10 years ago. With information being so easy to access and cultures and lifestyles being shared and mixed in a way. The youth today is more creative and has a growing potential to become something great. Unfortunately the youth is also retarded. They use technology as a crutch. Not needing to learn something because technology will do it for them. I wonder where we will be in ten years. But we'll just have to wait and see.
I have good friends. I love everyone. People who are genuinely good inside. And are not just fairweather friends. We help each other up. We have a good time. We're all about laughing, strengthening our bonds. I love that we enjoy eachothers company and are big on getting together, even if it is something as simple as watching a movie or tv at someones house. Christian, Drew, Riley, Mat, Natty, Jordan, Court, etc. I fucking love you dudes. Its nice to have such reliable chill DUDE friends. I've also met some new people who have been really fun to hang out with. I love networking and making friends with people from all over. Its nice to know who you have. And its sad when you also find out the character of some people. But if you remove them, they just become a step up to get you to the top.
This is all I have for now. I didn't really think I had much to say today but I got a decent size post out of this. Until next time...
1 comment:
I am such a daydreamer, too. 'cept I haven't quite mastered the 45 degree angle head tilt :) but I really am an expert at drifting off. it consumes me quite often...which can be a good and/or bad thing.
you said you are trying to find your center.....it is everywhere, my friend!
the way you described looking into the future and seeing yourself, who you really ARE rather than who you will be....I feel extremely similarly sometimes. you described that feeling perfectly. I visualize the things I need to do, but at the same time......
I have this book called The Wisdom of Insecurity...I know it sounds a little silly, but read on:
"If my happiness at this moment consists largely in reviewing happy memories and expectations, I am but dimly aware of this present. I shall be dimly aware of the present when the good things that I have been expecting come to pass. For I shall have formed a habit of looking behind and ahead, making it difficult to attend to the here and now. If, then, my awareness of the past and future makes me less aware of the present, I must begin to wonder whether I am actually living in the real world.
After all, the future is quite meaningless and unimportant unless, sooner or later, it is going to become the present. Thus to plan for a future which is not going to become present is hardly more absurd than to plan for a future which, when it comes to me, will find me 'absent,' looking fixedly over its shoulder instead of into its face."
Then he goes on to talk about people who "fail to live because they are always preparing to live."
so, essentially, the present is all there ever is. however, I will say that I think it is possible to have goals but still live in the present. feet on the ground, head in the sky type of thing. I'm sure you realize this. and my intention from those quotes is not meant to say I think you're one of the people who fail to live. it's the opposite, actually....just reinforcing your thoughts or whatev. it's kind of funny...lately I've realized that I've already taken many of the steps necessary...and it was way easier than I thought it would be. the only obstacle is my mind. but I think once you lose sight of the steps, you will begin to climb them.
The ambiguous paragraph where you're speaking to someone specific....there's a reason you felt the need to write this out. maybe you should have written it to them. I mean, you still can. if a problem can be fixed, there's no need to worry,
and if it can't be fixed then what's the use in worrying? if you want to be with her, be with her. if you don't, don't.
FUCK technology. I'm kidding but I'm not. it can be wonderful, has great potential to a point...but I'm so fucking sick of seeing people geek out on their phones/computers/whatever-the-hell wasting their time, numbing their brains with all this shit they don't need. impregnating themselves with white noise. and creating a great big fuckin disconnect, forgetting and/or totally obliterating what's really meaningful.
you are so lucky to have that many good, GENUINE friends. you have no idea how exceptional that really is.
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