music box....

we move for all mankind, a million miles from everything we've ever known
and we're on their hearts and minds, a million heads are bowed to bring us safely home
hemmed in by emptiness, a million ways that everything could be undone
this hollow in my chest is filled with reasons not to sing but I found one, I know

we are not alone, we feel an unseen love
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes

in sleep we saw ourselves, a million years we had been waiting there it seems
while someone weaves a spell, a million stars look on in witness to our dreams, I know

we are not alone, we feel an unseen love
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes

we feel an unseen love
we are children of light

we are not alone, we feel an unseen love
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes

stand ready and tall, reflect the light

- dustin kensrue

Where is my mind?

I am just waiting for something to happen. Anything would be good. Anything at all.

So here I sit...

With lots of thoughts, but not much to say to anyone. There are a lot of feelings I would like to express to people. But not now. I dont have the correct words. If I were to open up and say how I felt, I wouldnt be comfortable with how it is perceived. I wouldnt feel that my words could express how I am feeling at the moment. So people who need to be told how I am feeling towards them would get a misconstrued view.

I am bothered by everyones opinions on how I am living my life. Your comments, your opinions, etc.....you can keep to your fucking self. I do not have to listen to them, and there is no point in saying it. My choices do not effect you or your life. Yet nothing that I am doing is harmful. (This is not about substances.)

So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?

I've been incredibly lonely lately. My spirits are down and I'm just bummed out. Kind of been feeling like a failure in certain parts of my life. It seems that hard work isn't paying off and no matter how hard I kick my ass to make things happen, they don't go through as planned. Ive been having weird images in my head lately as well. I was driving and Christian and I were just driving listening to music, and I saw my entire funeral. I saw peoples reactions to my untimely, unplanned decease. I don't know why but at that moment the image was incredibly clear. I saw many people who I haven't spoken with in months but yet I know would be at the funeral if I were to go. It was such an out of body experience that happened in a moment. I am unsure what it meant, or why it happened, but it was so strange.

Ive been in my head a lot lately. But the more time I spend there it seems the less I am. Its like standing in a large ballroom with no one to talk to. So I just sit there in silence. Im curious to where my thoughts could be. Because I am there, in my head....waiting. But my thoughts never arrive.

I also feel like all my dreams and aspirations will never come true. Its not like a feeling though, its almost like an understanding. And yet when it hits me, and I see all those dreams slip away, I get a sense of it being expected and maybe I just ignored it.

I have let down a lot of people in my life. But dear god, Ive let down myself more than anyone.

I need to get out of this. I need to escape. I feel like I am trapped in a glass box, with eyes eager to explore the open spaces that surround me. But there is that glass, that imaginary perimeter I cannot cross.

I come back to the feeling of loneliness. I know I shouldnt, but I am envious of others that surround me. I am jealous of their imperfect relationships that are destined to fail. Maybe it is because even when I know they will fail, and possibly end up hating each other, they will have a new skin to live with. They will gain from that experience. Am I just wanting to gain as a human being? To learn and to aspire to be great because I have discovered new emotions from a risk that I took? Ive taken that risk before, it was harder than I imagined. But I am noticing every day something that came out from it and I want more. I want more knowledge of what I am capable of. Where will this heart lead me? What will this brain show me? Why have I yet to tap into its resources that I am so eager to research.

Can I grow how I want just from love?

Or will I still be wanting things I do not know exist or not?

I want to be a part of all Ive been without...

This holds so much power to it. The response in the email makes it perfect.



-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, April 20, 2008 8:19 PM
Subject: RE: 4/20/08 Gave up

Your father's success was raising four children who can think for themselves.

I think something poked me in the eye.....I think it was Simon Cowells nipples!

Lately I have discovered I have cable in my bedroom. Probably not the best thing for me, but I have been taking advantage of it. But I want to let you all know how much I love a show on the E! channel. If you happen to have this channel, be sure to check out The Soup. Its hosted by Joel Mchale and its hilarious. They pretty much make fun of every show on television. Whether it be reality shows, news broadcasts, soap operas, etc. It comes on on Mondays and Fridays but they have many reruns being played throughout the week. But also, if you are watching E!, don't watch the True Hollywood Story on the Kardashians. The worst THS ever. It seems as if it was produced and directed BY the Kardashians.

Finally, go pick up the new Thrice album this week. It's simply amazing. Its the Earth and Air EP's and you won't regret it. Also check out the website www.youhavedumbface.com. They post pictures of people who are in midsentence or blinking or just making dumb faces. This has been an odd post. I think there will be two posts this week.

Anywho, that's all for now, I want you inside me.

Who knew I had a brain....that likes to vomit?

Sometimes I wonder how things will play out. Will things be the same as they are now in a year? Lets hope not. Time right now is like running on a treadmill. You can do things to speed it up or slow it down, yet the scenery stays the same. I'm not sure why things seem to be playing out that way right now. But that's how it is. tonight I had dinner with two people who really know me as well as I know them. Its amazing that even after knowing eachother for years and years, we could sit in that pizza buffet for 3 hours and laugh to the brink of tears. Our stories never became old. Our world surrounding us didn't seem to matter. We only cared for what each person was sharing. Whether it be feelings of honesty. A story from the past. A shared memory of being with myself or one of them. It just felt like home. I've missed that feeling. I haven't had that feeling in years. I've had a taste here or there that made me desire it. But what I learned tonight was we are grown. We are not the people we once were. But we must hold onto the memories and feelings that we share with certain people. Regardless of who they are or what we do now. Things will never be the same between a select few. But I can't say that I don't miss them. I do everyday. Hopefully the future will bring good things. After grudges are dropped, maturity is reached, and respect has grown, then will you be satisfied not only with your surroundings, but with yourself. My mind has been living in a dark and dangerous place. Pushing myself to limits I do not want to take. But with the right people around you, you can overcome that darkness. You can flourish in what you are here to accomplish. So much of our lives are wasted on shit talk, hate, drama, etc. Get rid of it. Why keep negative things in your life? One thing I find amazing is how little people choose to be the bigger person in the simplest of lifes moments. We feel that if someone cuts us down we need to cut at them much deeper. Just because you forgive someone who has hurt you, betrayed you, disrespected you, doesn't mean you lose. You win. You win and receive much more reward than you can imagine. And if you live your life, and be the better person in all aspects of life, people will find it hard to be negative about you. Most of what I have said in this entry doesn't match my previous bulletins. But its a cluster of unorganized advice/thoughts/feelings that I wanted people to know, and that I also needed to say outloud and read myself. These words weren't meant to stay in my head. They needed an outlet. Sitting here just letting my fingers dance upon the keyboard, has been interesting. I hope you find something within this entry to take with you. Anywho, until next time. I want you inside me.