One thing I am hoping from this blog is the most complete honest posts from a soul. I will always speak my mind and let you into my world. It will bring us closer as readers and blogger. Let me start off by saying though that no one in my blogs should ever be offended by what I will say for posting it here. This is my diary that I am sharing with the world, and I may have not confronted you with it prior to typing these thoughts. I don't mean to ever hurt or offend someone that I may include in a blog I write. But, these are my most honest feelings of THAT MOMENT so please confront me if you will. We are all human so I know that me calling you out on something may offend you and may upset you. But those are not my intentions at all. That being said....
It's annoying. Today I have been highly annoyed by just about everything. Ive sat and thought a lot about the people in my life and deciding whether or not they should be people in my life. No matter how much I love them. I freaked out earlier today with a Facebook status calling two people out on their behavior, but they will not see it. But I have these two friends that I consider my best friends in the world at this time in life.
So easily I want to say, "Listen, I am frustrated with you." But it won't change anything. I know it won't. I love communication and being able to talk and be social. Not really to strangers. But to my own close friends. I will text them throughout the day saying "Hey man check this out" or "Hey man, what you up to?" Just to talk to him because they are my best friends. I want to see how their day is going or just chat and share ideas. But I will go unanswered sometimes even for an entire day.
One friend is scared of technology and has a phobia of being social. He doesn't like cell phones, or IM's, or social networks because he just doesn't know what to say.
Another friend who I used to have great conversation with until he found a girlfriend. One who has changed him. He can bitch all he wants about how she has changed him for the better and all the bull shit he wants. But honestly, I will not believe for a second that he is truly happy.
AM I A DICK?
Nope. And neither of them can be upset for me saying this. Because both of them have so easily dropped the communication with me from their lives that I can only go off of what I see and hear from them. Its not much. It never is. But let me get a lot more deep and personal here.
Friend number one: If I honestly didn't text him for weeks, I would not hear from him for weeks. I have to initiate it all with him. I don't mind that except I am never getting conversation out of it. I'll be ignored or he'll say he'll check something out but never get around to it. There are albums from artists that we both love and I freak out saying things like "This is an amazing album! You must hear it man." And he'll get excited for it but then will never listen to it. We have albums that are a year old that I can't even talk to him about because he has never listened to it. But its day in and day out with every conversation. So let's see. Starting now, when will he realize I am gone.
Friend number two: One of the closest friends I have had in years. A strong friendship that grew into what honestly felt like a brotherhood. With me coming from a family where I am the only boy with only sisters, it was nice to have that feeling. But in the past year he has developed a relationship with a girl whom he has become very close to. They have a strong relationship. But I never hear from him anymore. Never can get ahold of him. So many times I will be ignored because they are spending time with each other. That's fine. But it's not a healthy relationship when you cut ties with pretty much the rest of the people in your life and make her solely your world. I can't randomly hang out with him without having it be planned. I can't hang out with him without her nagging him that she misses him. Constantly being glued to his phone to talk to her when they are apart. For 24 years old, its a fucking middle school relationship. The girl is nice, has a good personality and all. But for fucks sake, there are huge problems here. He has mentioned too before that it is hard to feel suffocated all the time.
Well no shit? Grow some balls and do your own thing once in a while. Tell her how it is. MAKE her realize that shes gotta grow up and learn how to deal.
All I want is communication. I am just upset with most everyone right now. I don't understand where it all went wrong. I try to be the best to everyone by being there for them, talking to them, just being a part of their lives because they mean something to me. I feel like I am doing doing doing and getting brushed off.
Why is it that I am feeling like I am doing, doing, doing, or I guess you could say trying, trying, trying and not having any success? Why am I constantly feeling let down by people that I truly care about. Am I expecting too much from them? I don't think so. Honestly. I just think that maybe they are too caught up in their own day to day lives to have relationships with me. Emo? Not at all.
I also feel like I am failing at writing because I re-read this over and over and cannot get to the point where I feel that my feelings are properly translated. Somewhere from my heart & brain to my fingertips there is a wire thats not connected.
For the two people I mentioned in this blog, which I'm sure you know who you are. If you read this, you know that I love you. You know that I will be there for you if you need me. I just want to know what the fuck happened and if I am wasting my time here. Am I?
I have nothing more to say right now. I hope today gets better.
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3 comments:
dude, I wouldn't even be concerned with what people do or don't think about you or this blog. if they get offended, fuck em. their opinion has nothing to do with who you are. some advice though...before you post something about a conflict with someone specifically, I would probably go and talk to that person first before writing a blog. coz in the past I've written things without first sharing my feelings with the other person and shit got way out of hand and it led to unnecessary arguments etcetera and so forth. I know you said you think it won't change anything, but you truly never know. Sometimes you just need to straight up say to someone, "Dude, you're being a dick and here's why...." You never know what that honesty may provoke in them. Now, if you already have done that and it doesn't affect them at all, then, yeah that truly does suck but c'est la vie ya know. At least you'll know you were the bigger person by communicating with them not out of anger but out of love. That's just my advice, though, and you can take it or leave it.
I know exactly how you feel about being the one to always have to initiate conversations with people who are supposed to be your good friends. It really bothers me, too, but lately I've decided to just let that shit go. Once you stop being the person who initiates all the conversations with people, you will find out very quickly who your true friends are. And it will most definitely hurt because you won't hear from some people who mean the world to you (except maybe when they want to promote some shit to you), but in the end I feel (and hopefully you will feel) a lot better because I know the friendships I have now are completely mutual and we respect each other. I call a lot less people "friends" now, but those that I do call friends are truly some of the best people I've known. Whether it's with close friends or girlfriends or any other sort of friend, even a family member...the relationship has to be mutual. There shouldn't be any double standards (like you talk about with yer gf and texting)...that's just fuckin ridiculous and disrespectful and childish on her part.
I was exactly where you were not too long ago. I didn't understand what the fuck happened, and I still don't. I don't feel like I did anything "wrong." I know I put my friends before anything else and I'm there for any of them in a heartbeat. But I constantly felt, too, that I was the one who always listened and never talked. For example, someone very close to me died last year and none of my supposedly "best friends" even asked how the fuck I was doing afterwards. I feel just like you, like I give and give and no one ever gives back, they just take and take. But I figure this, dan....at some point you just have to be alright with that fact that you still ARE giving, even if you feel like there's no one else there for you, even if you have to be your own best friend for a while. I don't think it's too much to expect from someone either--communication, respect, diginity. These seem like no-brainers for any good realationship. BUT...the difference is, you have your priorities together when it comes to what you want out of life and out of friendships (or at least that's how it seems to me). Your emotions are genuine, and that's why you are let down so much....because you truly believe the people close to you are genuine just as you are when in fact they may not be. At least, not right now. Maybe someday, but...you can only hope, not expect. It does sound like they are caught up with their own lives and cannot see beyond themselves...that's how it is with people I know. But like I said, I honestly think that at the end of the day, you have to be ok with giving your all and getting nothing in return. You have to be ok with not expecting your friends to share your sentiments. Good things will come to you if you keep an open heart and you continue to be just as genuine as you are now--don't let your spirits get crushed. Make yourself happy. I think people in general need to learn how to be happy alone before happiness with other people comes. You can't rely on your happiness to come from other people, you know. That way, you're just setting yourself to get crushed.
This is just how I see it; you may completely disagree but I'm truly just trying to tell you my experiences as they relate to you in hopes that maybe they'll help you somehow...err, in hopes that you'll allow yourself to be helped from/by them. I know a lot of people would think my viewpoint is cynical and depressing as shit, but 1) fuck 'em 2) I'm not depressed (I am a bit cynical, though), rather I feel like I know myself now more than ever. I know I have an infinite heart and as much as I'd like to share it with all these other people who I once considered freinds, I realize(d) that some of them don't want to receive love. They won't allow themself to be open to it. They have to figure out how to help themselves before I could even dream about my love getting through to them. You're a good person, dan. Don't get caught up in everyone else's bullshit just because you know yer heart.
You know, everything you said right there is perfect. Great way to put it. Its everything I already know, but refuse to admit. Thank you for that. Awesome awesome awesome comment. I seriously respect you a lot!
you are most welcome! I respect you as well. it's crazy, I never realized how similar we are til I started reading your blog :)
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