Get me out of here...I DO NOT BELONG!

I have sat at work all day today stressing over the fact I have to be here. Frankly, I need to eat. I would not be doing this shit if I didn't have to. But what would I be doing if I were not here? I honestly haven't a clue. But yet here I sit full of energy, anticpating the moment in which I can leave. I have realized things today that effect my future. As of this moment I have nothing that is stable. My job is what most of you will consider stable. But I will not be here forever. I do not want to come to this building everyday to listen to people scream at me as to why their money has not been deposited into their account, or that the system in which they make the money is not working. Red in the face, I'm sure, upset at ME that I somehow messed up. 90% of the time it not even being a fault by myself or the company in which I work for. When it actually ends up being their own fucking fault. It seems evil. All these people getting angry, and fiery mad. Having no respect for the person on the other end. All over money. It doesn't seem right. It upsets me that this is what I subject myself to everyday. This is not meaningful. Why am I wasting my time being here.

Oh yea, I need to eat.

I like being Dr. Dan. When did I become this person where friends of mine come to me for their problems? I don't mind it, but it's nice that they come to me for my opinion. I have a lot of female friends who pain me over and over. Just because they don't get it. This will be the worst written entry on this page by the way. No thinking, just typing what comes out. Ok, back on topic. Currently, my friend is dating boy. Boy hears from ex that she is pregnant. Leaves friend and goes back to ex. Days later, breaks up with ex again and tries to return to friend. No bueno. Cut from the team.

Also, other friend is casually dating boy. Friend loses virginity to boy. Boy explains he wants to the best for friend. Boy starts acting distant and hard to understand. FRIEND DOESNT GET IT.

Thats as simple as it can be written. Maybe they will read this and get it. Knock knock.

I am wanting to expand. Create hobbies in a variety of different medias to keep myself busy. Lately it feels like I am busy in supplying the needs for other people. Out of 100% of my day, maybe 10% at MAX is done doing something that is strictly for me. My own time. Sometimes feeling trapped. There really isnt enough time in the day. I want more.

I just moved into my grandmas house because I NEEDED a place to live. Within only a matter of days I am realizing this to be a mistake. I no longer can live with family. After living with my girlfriend for that past few months and finally moving out to some place new, moving in with family is depressing. Family gets into patterns to where they don't see you out of what they already know of you. I am not being seen as an adult male. I am being seen as the baby of the family. Maybe this is a subconcious way of feeling younger. (Someone just brought cake to my desk. BOMB DIGGITY!) But none of the things in my life that I consider priorities, are seen as priorities to them. I will always stay young. I will always act like I am still in junior high. But that does not prevent me from taking responsibility when I need to. I do not find my place of residence as stable. I have no place to call home right now. If I were able to, I would live in an apartment by myself. The idea of living on my own is relaxing to me. In high school, I talked with friends on the joys and excitement we would endure by being roommates. After many roommates and living quarters, I have realized it is not enjoyable. It does nothing but actually break those friendships. So I will search to find a single apartment. We'll see if I can find something stable. I would like to go home. I just need to find it first.

(This cake isn't THAT great.)

I will market myself. It doesn't matter what you think about it. I do not intend to gain anything but the satisfaction in myself. But you will see. I will work on it.

That is enough for now.

A beautiful mind....

I've always been amazed on how the mind works. I've pointed this out before to friends of mine. The fact that we can remember so much small detail about things. Think of this for me; Think of every name of every person you know. Then think of every memory of all those people. Then think of things that remind you of them (songs, smells, etc.). Then think of how your brain can remember songs, lyrics, parts in a song where an instrument does something. It goes on and on and its amazing. But the reason I am even talking about the mind and how it works, is how it will take over your entire body. It will physically effect you at times. I recently broke up with my gf and was devastated by it. But even though I was so tired from not getting much sleep and working all day, I could not sleep. My brain was still actively preventing my sleep because my thoughts could not escape her. And then it has the control of making you feel sick or not hungry even. It also sometimes will control itself and not allow you to have any control. I would try to focus on other things and be productive, but I found myself drifting off into day dreams of her. Non-stop. It still is happening now. My thoughts have been hi-jacked to do only one thing. And that is think of her.

Your brain can also be indecisive. For example, I dont want to think of her because it will make me miss her. It will make me depressed. It will make my mood horrible. But then I also want to think of nothing of her. Because I miss her so much that I want to take each thought that I have and dwell on it. Because right now, that is the closest I can get to her.

Your brain can make believe. Day dreaming is awesome. You see a movie in your head and that movie is playing out with the characters and story line that you want. All my mind is day dreaming about is how I can mend the tear I caused in us. Stressing myself on finding the perfect words to say to get everything that I want and that she wants. I picture my approach and my tone and my words, and imagine how they will play out. Then change them and see how they will play out. And when I decide to play out one of the scenarios I am day dreaming about and make it real, I will not have those perfect words to say. I will shake with a tremble in my voice not being able to keep it at a tone I would like. But if I put that sincerity into my eyes, it wont matter what I say, or how I sound.


Pretty much all I am trying to say in this blog is, I made a mistake and broke things off with someone I truly love and care about greatly. I have torn myself into pieces trying to find a way to get her back in my life. I have taken the problems we have and said "There is no solution" when there are plenty of solutions.

I will fix this. If you truly care about something you need to fight for it, and I was blind before. I didn't fight. I will win her back.