I'm not ok with who I am lately. I feel like one of those people in a booth that has to scramble to get as many dollars as possible because whatever they can hold they can keep. But instead for me, the items that are dashing around me are the pieces to my life. And I'm running out of time.
I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. My own personal beliefs and such. And after many conversations about this lately, it feels like sometimes that it could be the emptiness that I feel inside me. But at other times I feel like that cannot be it. Maybe it's just because I feel I have it figured out. It's so simple and yet, something that complex and deep, cannot be so easily figured out. But I have.
There is one person who hates me right now. And I am sorry for letting you down and disappearing. But I still love you to death and can't wait to see you again.
I no longer know the benefit or meaning of a good night sleep. I have not slept in a decent bed in over a year. Since spring of 2008 it's been either a floor or a destroyed or overused mattress. I wake up tired, in pain, and sleep for hours because I never achieve the deep sleep. I think I will blow a ton of money on a mattress sometime soon.
"...in the time it takes for you to make love,
you could break love, waste love,
and throw it all away.
But all you need is faith
and hope will bring a brighter day.
And every time that you love
let it lift someone else up.
I tell you man you must be 'crazy'
am I always lazy when it comes to love?
With every failure and turning tide
I toss the boomerang but ah,
it never comes back to me.
Have some faith you say
and hope will find it's way?
Well, I doubt what you're sure of
when it seems to me the
greatest of these is love... but it's so hard to love."
Well, we were sitting on his boat our backs to each other he was giving me a little time. And all that he said was hurting my head wondering how to leave the selfishness behind all that I could say is:
'It's so hard to love...
the way that you want me to.'"
These words have been stuck in my head lately. I don't know why it speaks to me so much. It seems like it is trying to tell me something...but I cannot figure it out. I feel sometimes like there are too many flaws in me for trying to achieve what I want. I have self confidence, don't get me wrong. But I feel that the certain details about me prevent those few things that I long for so badly.
"I want to sing my song to somebody who doubts what they're made of."
I miss my friends. I miss the memories from the past. I miss the feelings that we once shared with each other. I miss the jokes, I miss the laughter. I miss the connection, I miss the circle that could not be destroyed. I'm trying so hard to put everything back together. If everyone
could only see how sincere it really is. There is no pride, there is no limit that I would push myself to make everyone feel comfortable again. I have missed everyone so much. If there is one thing I regret, it is letting her become between all of us. You are absolutely right when you say "I would take it back if I could." And I am trying to let you know. It felt so amazing the other day when you asked for my opinion. I was nervous as hell in telling you. Not nervous to offend you, not nervous for anything silly like that. But I was overcome with such joy and emotion for you asking what I thought, knowing that my opinion you would take to heart, that I was trying my hardest not to show you. I know you all just as well that you know eachother. You guys are my home. You are my youth, you are my past, and I want you to be my future. If you will have me. You are my best friends, and I love you guys forever.
