So lately I have been excited over the reunion of my all time favorite band blink-182. For most people who know me, they know I love the band and the members greatly. But also with my excitement comes the people who believe that they need to voice their opinion of disgust of the band. Many comments such as "I love Blink, but I'm not twelve anymore", "Puuuuuuuke", "I like GOOD music" etc.
Here is where I shut you the fuck up.....
A lot of people have said that they used to enjoy the band but they no longer do because they are no longer in junior high. In my opinion, (as someone who appreciates music, musicianship, talent, hard-work, devotion, and doing what you love), you can never grow out of music. You can always find in yourself that one thing that attracted you to that musician in the first place. Such is the case with me loving blink-182. I first got into them with their Dude Ranch cd in Elementary School. And as I grew, the band grew. With each album I found something that I could relate with. Which is the beauty with music. It is the same way that some will turn on their old Hanson or Spice Girls CD. We know that they are out of date and no longer a hit. But you listen to them because it speaks to your inner self that once felt that strong connection with the artist or song.
I love blink-182. I KNOW they are immature (have you even met me?). I KNOW they are horrible live 90% of the time. But I see through all of that to find the message that I can relate with. As I do with every artist.
Did you bother to listen to their last album? Or were you just being biased and going off of the radio songs you know of?
With there being so much music that is accessible now, it's hard to find the artists that are truly talented and deserve the credit. But also, I believe that if you find something you are passionate about and care about, you should stick up for it and believe in it. I believe in music. Not what you may hear on the radio, or in a movie, or on a cd. I believe in the music that plays in the soundtrack to my life. And a lot of the time, blink-182 is writing and playing and singing the emotions and thoughts that flow through me everyday.
I do not care for genre's. I just listen for what speaks to me. If you did that, you'd be surprised at the range of artists you will find and enjoy.
No one has better taste in music than you. They are all just personal opinions.
Now go fuck yourselves cock suckers. And keep your self righteous thoughts to yourself.
I appreciate music. Simple as that.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Previous words: Michael Jackson's death...
You can do either two things, and that is show your sorrow for losing Michael Jackson, or not say anything at all.
If you feel the need to show your sorrow, appreciation, and love for Michael Jackson, go ahead and do it.
If you feel the need to show your sorrow, appreciation, and love for Michael Jackson, go ahead and do it.
But if you are someone who wants to be funny, or put down others for being sad about this, you can go fuck yourself.
What this means is bring yourself down to the human level. Because Michael meant something to A LOT of people. Especially over generations. And we all post things on Myspace or Facebook about things that matter to us. Every single one of us. EVERY SINGLE DAY WE DO THIS. We can find many bulletins or status updates throughout the day who are posting about something that made them happy, bummed out, excited, nervous, etc. But somewhere along the line people feel like they need to bring others down for emotion.
If you feel like you need to be one of these people, you can go fucking die. And take Perez Hilton with you. We are all human beings and we do not need to do this to each other. We do not need this bullshit. It really goes back to the old saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
There needs to be more fo a mutual respect for each other.
On a musician level, it saddens me to hear people who "claim" to be a musician say such awful things about a legend. True musicians have a respect for all music. You do not have to like the music, but always respect it. If you ever notice the best musicians are influenced from multiple genres. They have no boundaries. Musicians should respect the fact that, Michaels music, has been labeled timeless. Becoming the highest selling artist in history. You don't have to like him, but you can respect the hard work and dedication to music. FOR MUSIC.
That is all.
What this means is bring yourself down to the human level. Because Michael meant something to A LOT of people. Especially over generations. And we all post things on Myspace or Facebook about things that matter to us. Every single one of us. EVERY SINGLE DAY WE DO THIS. We can find many bulletins or status updates throughout the day who are posting about something that made them happy, bummed out, excited, nervous, etc. But somewhere along the line people feel like they need to bring others down for emotion.
If you feel like you need to be one of these people, you can go fucking die. And take Perez Hilton with you. We are all human beings and we do not need to do this to each other. We do not need this bullshit. It really goes back to the old saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
There needs to be more fo a mutual respect for each other.
On a musician level, it saddens me to hear people who "claim" to be a musician say such awful things about a legend. True musicians have a respect for all music. You do not have to like the music, but always respect it. If you ever notice the best musicians are influenced from multiple genres. They have no boundaries. Musicians should respect the fact that, Michaels music, has been labeled timeless. Becoming the highest selling artist in history. You don't have to like him, but you can respect the hard work and dedication to music. FOR MUSIC.
It's true. Everyone dies. But yes, some people over-react. But the legend and icon that Michael Jackson was, that's what people are so shocked with. Yes people die. But here's the thing, take a celebrity or artist or musician that you love, and wouldn't you be pretty devastated if they died? I know you would. Same thing with me and Blink. Because with MJ, Blink, etc., THATS PART OF OUR YOUTH!! It's a part of us. Its memories etc. And you always want new material or to go see them live. And with Michael Jackson being as huge as he was world wide, and having everyone know who he was and his songs, and his legacy, yea....its a pretty big deal that he is now gone. It's not that they are freaking out that the PERSON THEY KNEW died, its how that person affected their life and is now finished. It will never be more than it is. That's why I said its ok for people to be sad that he is gone. Obviously some people will be WAY OVER DRAMATIC about that, but you're gonna get those type of people with any thing really.
That is all.
We all could use a little advice....
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't know.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave it before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess around too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't know.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave it before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess around too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
2 opinions
In this day and age people are so caught up in voicing their opinion on every item they possibly can. What saddens me is a lot of these opinions are uneducated and being dished out without being understood. Call me a free loving hippy. Call me whatever you want. I'm just trying to live my life the best I can. The best way I can do this, is rid myself of negativity. Why be so pessimistic about so many things? Why automatically think the negative of something that is different from you? Here I am going to explain a few things and address my opinions on two "hot" topics.
Anti-Mormon: First off, let me say I am not Mormon. A few of my childhood friends may not know this and this may be the first time they are hearing this, but that is the truth. But it is so common in Utah to denounce being Mormon and then being negative towards the religion. This is not me. Frankly, I do not care if you are Mormon or any other religion. It does not matter to me. In so many ways, the Mormon religion has helped hundreds of thousands of people. People who have had a life full of struggles and bad influences have left it all behind by becoming a member of the Mormon religion. I respect anyone who actively tries to better themselves. But I have no negativity towards this religion. I am not the typical non-Mormon Utahn who does nothing but trash talk about it. The religion is just not for me. After actively being a member and being knowledgeable on the religion, I have found within myself that it is something that is great for other people, but not for me. Why would I talk negatively about a religion that does a great amount of humanitarian good around the world? I do not have anything negative to say about the Mormon religion. But their members can be the most negative and most non Christ like people ever. Judgmental, scared of change or anything different, etc. It does go for any religion. I also want to point out for everyone I said the members "CAN BE" and does not refer to all members. I am speaking in generalities here also. I am not speaking about, or asking for your opinion on the doctrine. Keep it to yourself, I don't want to hear it.
Anti-Homosexual: This is and always will be a big issue. I am not gay. Obviously. But honestly, I don't really care. If people choose to be homosexual it has nothing to do with me and does not affect me. Too many people base their opinions on homosexuality, on other peoples words. Which bothers me because everyone needs to have their OWN opinion. If they want to get married, let them. It's the same thing with smoking or personal decisions. If someone wants to live their life and be a certain way THAT doesn't affect you first hand......let them. It's their life, not yours. And you cannot say that you pay taxes for them to GET married. That does not fly because guess what, they pay taxes for YOU to get married.
Frankly, I do not care. I just live my life and try to be a good person. I make decisions for myself and myself only. All I can really say is, be a good person. If a decision you are going to make might put a negative effect on a person, maybe you should reevaluate your decision. Stop trying to make your opinion fact and correct. You cannot argue opinion. I could say Tom Hanks is the best actor out there. But you may believe Morgan Freeman is. Does that make either of our opinions wrong or right? Nope.
That is all I have to say.
Tom Hanks IS the best actor out there though. ;)
Anti-Mormon: First off, let me say I am not Mormon. A few of my childhood friends may not know this and this may be the first time they are hearing this, but that is the truth. But it is so common in Utah to denounce being Mormon and then being negative towards the religion. This is not me. Frankly, I do not care if you are Mormon or any other religion. It does not matter to me. In so many ways, the Mormon religion has helped hundreds of thousands of people. People who have had a life full of struggles and bad influences have left it all behind by becoming a member of the Mormon religion. I respect anyone who actively tries to better themselves. But I have no negativity towards this religion. I am not the typical non-Mormon Utahn who does nothing but trash talk about it. The religion is just not for me. After actively being a member and being knowledgeable on the religion, I have found within myself that it is something that is great for other people, but not for me. Why would I talk negatively about a religion that does a great amount of humanitarian good around the world? I do not have anything negative to say about the Mormon religion. But their members can be the most negative and most non Christ like people ever. Judgmental, scared of change or anything different, etc. It does go for any religion. I also want to point out for everyone I said the members "CAN BE" and does not refer to all members. I am speaking in generalities here also. I am not speaking about, or asking for your opinion on the doctrine. Keep it to yourself, I don't want to hear it.
Anti-Homosexual: This is and always will be a big issue. I am not gay. Obviously. But honestly, I don't really care. If people choose to be homosexual it has nothing to do with me and does not affect me. Too many people base their opinions on homosexuality, on other peoples words. Which bothers me because everyone needs to have their OWN opinion. If they want to get married, let them. It's the same thing with smoking or personal decisions. If someone wants to live their life and be a certain way THAT doesn't affect you first hand......let them. It's their life, not yours. And you cannot say that you pay taxes for them to GET married. That does not fly because guess what, they pay taxes for YOU to get married.
Frankly, I do not care. I just live my life and try to be a good person. I make decisions for myself and myself only. All I can really say is, be a good person. If a decision you are going to make might put a negative effect on a person, maybe you should reevaluate your decision. Stop trying to make your opinion fact and correct. You cannot argue opinion. I could say Tom Hanks is the best actor out there. But you may believe Morgan Freeman is. Does that make either of our opinions wrong or right? Nope.
That is all I have to say.
Tom Hanks IS the best actor out there though. ;)
Previous Words: Explanation....
So I have been saying this to a few people lately. It's something I believe and something I have come up with. And I think it explains itself pretty clearly. But let me lead up to it.
If I say we are friends, we are friends. But today, people change friends as much as they do their clothing. And usually those friendships are ended over stupid things. He said she said bullshit usually. I don't buy into it, I don't talk behind peoples backs, and I don't obtain an opinion on something unless I hear it from the original source. This being said...if I call you my friend, you should know this.
1. You will always have a mind to offer it's opinion.
2. You will always have a body to receive a hug or to have company when you need it.
And last but not least...
3. You will always have a heart that cares about you and loves you.
This is how I treat all my friendships. And you will receive those three things I explained until you show me that you do not deserve them. In which case I will no longer consider you a friend, but more like an acquaintance.
So I offer this to you as well. A challenge. This is not to cause drama, or hurt, or anger. But merely just to let you know where you stand because in the past month, I have realized a lot about who I consider my friends. But the challenge is this. I challenge you to ask yourself, "Do I want to know where I stand in Dan's opinion of him and I?"
If the answer is yes, go ahead and ask me. I will tell you.
One thing that most of you know about me is I am always honest. I don't hide anything and I am upfront from the beginning. And because of that honesty a lot of you consider me to be real. You know that you can talk to me, and that it's easy to talk to me about anything at all, and that I am truly listening. I was explaining to a close friend the other day how I know so many secrets of so many people, and the reason why they tell me those personal secrets, is because they know deep down I would never use them against them or let those secrets out to someone who shouldn't know. I truly love my friends. And try my best to show it to them. I'm not perfect. But I try.
Just wanted to let you know.
If I say we are friends, we are friends. But today, people change friends as much as they do their clothing. And usually those friendships are ended over stupid things. He said she said bullshit usually. I don't buy into it, I don't talk behind peoples backs, and I don't obtain an opinion on something unless I hear it from the original source. This being said...if I call you my friend, you should know this.
1. You will always have a mind to offer it's opinion.
2. You will always have a body to receive a hug or to have company when you need it.
And last but not least...
3. You will always have a heart that cares about you and loves you.
This is how I treat all my friendships. And you will receive those three things I explained until you show me that you do not deserve them. In which case I will no longer consider you a friend, but more like an acquaintance.
So I offer this to you as well. A challenge. This is not to cause drama, or hurt, or anger. But merely just to let you know where you stand because in the past month, I have realized a lot about who I consider my friends. But the challenge is this. I challenge you to ask yourself, "Do I want to know where I stand in Dan's opinion of him and I?"
If the answer is yes, go ahead and ask me. I will tell you.
One thing that most of you know about me is I am always honest. I don't hide anything and I am upfront from the beginning. And because of that honesty a lot of you consider me to be real. You know that you can talk to me, and that it's easy to talk to me about anything at all, and that I am truly listening. I was explaining to a close friend the other day how I know so many secrets of so many people, and the reason why they tell me those personal secrets, is because they know deep down I would never use them against them or let those secrets out to someone who shouldn't know. I truly love my friends. And try my best to show it to them. I'm not perfect. But I try.
Just wanted to let you know.
Being individual and unique...just like everybody else.
I read a quote by an amazing photographer by the name of W Eugene Smith..."an artist must be ruthlessly selfish". It may sound brutal from a fan's perspective, but it's so true. Once you start letting things like "what would people think about this" worry you, then it's not coming from a real place.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Dear Friend,
We used to be close. And you used to rely on me. I always looked out for you and cared for you. You never really appreciated my way of joking, but you dealt with it and shrugged your shoulders saying "thats just Dan." But then you got a boyfriend and that was great for you. You finally found someone who cared for you. I may have not taken it seriously in the beginning and may have said things that were out of line and disrespectful, and I have taken the responsibility for it and apologized. Recognizing my faults and letting you know that I was sincerely sorry. You threw it back in my face. Acting completely immature. And now, you feel entitled to accuse me of things and discredit who I am when you have not even been around me in well over a year. You no longer speak to me, and havent in close to that same amount of time. But yet, randomly on this December afternoon you felt inclined and entitled to say these things about me. I have nothing against you. But your words were out of line, untrue, and disregarded by me. Do not claim to say what I am not, when you do not know what I am. I could not do the same for you, and if i did you would feel the same. So save your breath.
- Dan
- Dan
Saturday, December 12, 2009
lydia...
No one could ever wait for you
And no one, yeah, no one could ever wait for you
I'll wait for you, love
...and you did. And I thank you for that and keep apologizing for the past year. I just want you to forgive me for all of it. You didn't deserve it and I don't deserve you. You truly are amazing.
And no one, yeah, no one could ever wait for you
I'll wait for you, love
...and you did. And I thank you for that and keep apologizing for the past year. I just want you to forgive me for all of it. You didn't deserve it and I don't deserve you. You truly are amazing.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
All I See
I've been thinking about us at humans. And how we relate to one another. How two people can connect on different levels. With friendship and relationships. How a lot of people look at the blue prints of something rather than the finished product. Before they actually invest the time to look into things and see when there is more to something than just the basics. But isn't that we do? As humans? We judge by nature. We create an opinion from the second something begins or is learned. But as we learn more, our opinion grows and changes. Recently I have found someone who I relate to very well. And after examining our friendship for the past year and few months, I decided to take it to the next level. This person I have great, deep conversation with. I can relate on many levels and we have similar interests and opinions. We have a good understanding of eachother. In any other situation I would laugh at my choices and myself. But I am perfectly ok with the situation that has presented itself to me. I can look at the negatives. I can see the pros and cons of things. I understand how everyone can view my situation and think negatively about it. But when it comes down to it, the only thing that matters is my opinion, her opinion, and our parents. All of which are ok with our situation. People can think my motives are greedy and manipulative. But anyone who knows me knows that I am not one of those people. I have a heart that I am willing to give to fully to anyone I choose. I have respect for peoples opinions, situations, etc. I come to believe I am a good person. My motives are respectable and I will always choose to better someone and never choose to harm someone. I cannot claim no faults. As human I am destine to make mistakes from time to time. But I always take responsibility for myself and my actions. I am happy that I can make this person happy. I am happy this person is in my life. I truly do love this person. She's always been there for me. And been such a sweetheart to me. You can make your assumptions, but you do not know me if you do not choose to understand.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Its an interesting place I find myself at while I sit here at work in the early morning. I spend most nights fantasizing about where I want to be and what I want to spend my life doing. But every morning I wake and end up wasting a day doing something I hate. I'm trying to find my center. I'm trying to find my euphoria. It will come to me eventually. It has to. These aren't just dreams. Its almost as if I feel I can look into the future and I see me being who I see. That person of where I am and who I am is amazing. Its real. Its no fantasy. I know to get to that person, I cannot just sit around and wait for it to happen. The most amazing part about it is that I know the steps I need to take. I know I have it in me too. I feel amazing. I am amazing. I want this world to see it.
I can't get you out of my head. I tried to run away from you to protect you. I tried to remove myself from the situation to have a better chance in the future for maybe something. But you've been on my mind. And you really shouldn't be. Everything about the idea of you and I is wrong. We shouldn't be what I know we both want. But I want it badly. Even though we don't talk much, I think about you a lot throughout the day. I miss you. And sometimes, I feel as if we're perfect for each other. But I shouldn't be teasing myself like this. I love teasing you though. I love joking around with you and being silly. Its honestly the most real I've ever been. You're lucky to see this part of me. Because most never do. Man, I really love the idea of "us". I should stop daydreaming before I get myself in trouble. I'm a sucker.
I've been thinking about technology lately and all the pros and cons to advancing it. Of course life saving technology and all that stuff is great and excellent. But I'm more talking about cell phone, internet, etc. Things we use on a daily basis. I was watching a comedian the other day who based part of his stand-up about how we have become greedy with technology and instant service. How we have all lost our patience. When we don't have 3G service, we freak out. How when the pilot comes on and tells the passengers the high-speed internet isn't working, people complain. 5 years ago, the things we use now on a daily basis, we wouldn't really even think imaginable. But I've noticed something about the youth of today. They are much smarter than the youth of 10 years ago. With information being so easy to access and cultures and lifestyles being shared and mixed in a way. The youth today is more creative and has a growing potential to become something great. Unfortunately the youth is also retarded. They use technology as a crutch. Not needing to learn something because technology will do it for them. I wonder where we will be in ten years. But we'll just have to wait and see.
I have good friends. I love everyone. People who are genuinely good inside. And are not just fairweather friends. We help each other up. We have a good time. We're all about laughing, strengthening our bonds. I love that we enjoy eachothers company and are big on getting together, even if it is something as simple as watching a movie or tv at someones house. Christian, Drew, Riley, Mat, Natty, Jordan, Court, etc. I fucking love you dudes. Its nice to have such reliable chill DUDE friends. I've also met some new people who have been really fun to hang out with. I love networking and making friends with people from all over. Its nice to know who you have. And its sad when you also find out the character of some people. But if you remove them, they just become a step up to get you to the top.
This is all I have for now. I didn't really think I had much to say today but I got a decent size post out of this. Until next time...
I can't get you out of my head. I tried to run away from you to protect you. I tried to remove myself from the situation to have a better chance in the future for maybe something. But you've been on my mind. And you really shouldn't be. Everything about the idea of you and I is wrong. We shouldn't be what I know we both want. But I want it badly. Even though we don't talk much, I think about you a lot throughout the day. I miss you. And sometimes, I feel as if we're perfect for each other. But I shouldn't be teasing myself like this. I love teasing you though. I love joking around with you and being silly. Its honestly the most real I've ever been. You're lucky to see this part of me. Because most never do. Man, I really love the idea of "us". I should stop daydreaming before I get myself in trouble. I'm a sucker.
I've been thinking about technology lately and all the pros and cons to advancing it. Of course life saving technology and all that stuff is great and excellent. But I'm more talking about cell phone, internet, etc. Things we use on a daily basis. I was watching a comedian the other day who based part of his stand-up about how we have become greedy with technology and instant service. How we have all lost our patience. When we don't have 3G service, we freak out. How when the pilot comes on and tells the passengers the high-speed internet isn't working, people complain. 5 years ago, the things we use now on a daily basis, we wouldn't really even think imaginable. But I've noticed something about the youth of today. They are much smarter than the youth of 10 years ago. With information being so easy to access and cultures and lifestyles being shared and mixed in a way. The youth today is more creative and has a growing potential to become something great. Unfortunately the youth is also retarded. They use technology as a crutch. Not needing to learn something because technology will do it for them. I wonder where we will be in ten years. But we'll just have to wait and see.
I have good friends. I love everyone. People who are genuinely good inside. And are not just fairweather friends. We help each other up. We have a good time. We're all about laughing, strengthening our bonds. I love that we enjoy eachothers company and are big on getting together, even if it is something as simple as watching a movie or tv at someones house. Christian, Drew, Riley, Mat, Natty, Jordan, Court, etc. I fucking love you dudes. Its nice to have such reliable chill DUDE friends. I've also met some new people who have been really fun to hang out with. I love networking and making friends with people from all over. Its nice to know who you have. And its sad when you also find out the character of some people. But if you remove them, they just become a step up to get you to the top.
This is all I have for now. I didn't really think I had much to say today but I got a decent size post out of this. Until next time...
Monday, October 26, 2009
the road home pt. 2
Definitely not sure what has happened in the past 4 months. It's almost as if life is a blender. And parts of me have been thrown in and chopped and mixed around. Now parts I felt great about I feel unsure about. Parts I feel unsure about I don't care for anymore. And parts I love I feel hate towards.
I'm not ok with who I am lately. I feel like one of those people in a booth that has to scramble to get as many dollars as possible because whatever they can hold they can keep. But instead for me, the items that are dashing around me are the pieces to my life. And I'm running out of time.
I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. My own personal beliefs and such. And after many conversations about this lately, it feels like sometimes that it could be the emptiness that I feel inside me. But at other times I feel like that cannot be it. Maybe it's just because I feel I have it figured out. It's so simple and yet, something that complex and deep, cannot be so easily figured out. But I have.
There is one person who hates me right now. And I am sorry for letting you down and disappearing. But I still love you to death and can't wait to see you again.
I no longer know the benefit or meaning of a good night sleep. I have not slept in a decent bed in over a year. Since spring of 2008 it's been either a floor or a destroyed or overused mattress. I wake up tired, in pain, and sleep for hours because I never achieve the deep sleep. I think I will blow a ton of money on a mattress sometime soon.
"...in the time it takes for you to make love,
you could break love, waste love,
and throw it all away.
But all you need is faith
and hope will bring a brighter day.
And every time that you love
let it lift someone else up.
I tell you man you must be 'crazy'
am I always lazy when it comes to love?
With every failure and turning tide
I toss the boomerang but ah,
it never comes back to me.
Have some faith you say
and hope will find it's way?
Well, I doubt what you're sure of
when it seems to me the
greatest of these is love... but it's so hard to love."
Well, we were sitting on his boat our backs to each other he was giving me a little time. And all that he said was hurting my head wondering how to leave the selfishness behind all that I could say is:
'It's so hard to love...
the way that you want me to.'"
These words have been stuck in my head lately. I don't know why it speaks to me so much. It seems like it is trying to tell me something...but I cannot figure it out. I feel sometimes like there are too many flaws in me for trying to achieve what I want. I have self confidence, don't get me wrong. But I feel that the certain details about me prevent those few things that I long for so badly.
"I want to sing my song to somebody who doubts what they're made of."
I miss my friends. I miss the memories from the past. I miss the feelings that we once shared with each other. I miss the jokes, I miss the laughter. I miss the connection, I miss the circle that could not be destroyed. I'm trying so hard to put everything back together. If everyone
could only see how sincere it really is. There is no pride, there is no limit that I would push myself to make everyone feel comfortable again. I have missed everyone so much. If there is one thing I regret, it is letting her become between all of us. You are absolutely right when you say "I would take it back if I could." And I am trying to let you know. It felt so amazing the other day when you asked for my opinion. I was nervous as hell in telling you. Not nervous to offend you, not nervous for anything silly like that. But I was overcome with such joy and emotion for you asking what I thought, knowing that my opinion you would take to heart, that I was trying my hardest not to show you. I know you all just as well that you know eachother. You guys are my home. You are my youth, you are my past, and I want you to be my future. If you will have me. You are my best friends, and I love you guys forever.
I'm not ok with who I am lately. I feel like one of those people in a booth that has to scramble to get as many dollars as possible because whatever they can hold they can keep. But instead for me, the items that are dashing around me are the pieces to my life. And I'm running out of time.
I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. My own personal beliefs and such. And after many conversations about this lately, it feels like sometimes that it could be the emptiness that I feel inside me. But at other times I feel like that cannot be it. Maybe it's just because I feel I have it figured out. It's so simple and yet, something that complex and deep, cannot be so easily figured out. But I have.
There is one person who hates me right now. And I am sorry for letting you down and disappearing. But I still love you to death and can't wait to see you again.
I no longer know the benefit or meaning of a good night sleep. I have not slept in a decent bed in over a year. Since spring of 2008 it's been either a floor or a destroyed or overused mattress. I wake up tired, in pain, and sleep for hours because I never achieve the deep sleep. I think I will blow a ton of money on a mattress sometime soon.
"...in the time it takes for you to make love,
you could break love, waste love,
and throw it all away.
But all you need is faith
and hope will bring a brighter day.
And every time that you love
let it lift someone else up.
I tell you man you must be 'crazy'
am I always lazy when it comes to love?
With every failure and turning tide
I toss the boomerang but ah,
it never comes back to me.
Have some faith you say
and hope will find it's way?
Well, I doubt what you're sure of
when it seems to me the
greatest of these is love... but it's so hard to love."
Well, we were sitting on his boat our backs to each other he was giving me a little time. And all that he said was hurting my head wondering how to leave the selfishness behind all that I could say is:
'It's so hard to love...
the way that you want me to.'"
These words have been stuck in my head lately. I don't know why it speaks to me so much. It seems like it is trying to tell me something...but I cannot figure it out. I feel sometimes like there are too many flaws in me for trying to achieve what I want. I have self confidence, don't get me wrong. But I feel that the certain details about me prevent those few things that I long for so badly.
"I want to sing my song to somebody who doubts what they're made of."
I miss my friends. I miss the memories from the past. I miss the feelings that we once shared with each other. I miss the jokes, I miss the laughter. I miss the connection, I miss the circle that could not be destroyed. I'm trying so hard to put everything back together. If everyone
could only see how sincere it really is. There is no pride, there is no limit that I would push myself to make everyone feel comfortable again. I have missed everyone so much. If there is one thing I regret, it is letting her become between all of us. You are absolutely right when you say "I would take it back if I could." And I am trying to let you know. It felt so amazing the other day when you asked for my opinion. I was nervous as hell in telling you. Not nervous to offend you, not nervous for anything silly like that. But I was overcome with such joy and emotion for you asking what I thought, knowing that my opinion you would take to heart, that I was trying my hardest not to show you. I know you all just as well that you know eachother. You guys are my home. You are my youth, you are my past, and I want you to be my future. If you will have me. You are my best friends, and I love you guys forever.Friday, October 2, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
I love..
...these people.
You make my day and I can honestly say I haven't had
more fun day in and day out than
I have with you guys around.
Thank you!
Yes Christian....you too. (You're just not in the picture.)
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Come here....
Please hold my hand for now....
I want a lazy day with a pretty girl.
Nothing to do.
No where to go.
No one around.
Just being able to lay in our pajamas...
all day long.
Monday, July 27, 2009
I'm on a high I can't come down from...
This weekend has been great. I don't think I have had so many days, full of so much fun and excitement. It's kind of refreshing and I really hope it doesn't end.
I don't even know what to do about it. Everything this past week has just worked out so smoothly and turned out exactly how I have wanted. People have said yes to things I thought they would say no to. People have had a good time that they keep coming back for more. Which is definitely a good thing since one of those people are someone I would like to keep around. Such a weird turn of events that have happened with that person to. Definitely didn't expect the reactions I am getting from them. Not complaining though.
But all I can do is hope that it continues down the path that it is currently going. And I am trying hard to make it that way.
I guess another reason I have been in a good mood this week, is that it seems that my friends are truly happy. We're all planning things together to make our little tripod stronger and get us where we want to be. Lots of ideas floating around, and honestly, I don't think we have all been so much on the same page since the "Garage Days" as we like to call them. And I think all of us can feel like there is a big change happening. And this change will be very good and beneficial to all of us in many ways. We're making our plans and goals, we're making efforts to better ourselves inside and out. We're just becoming happy I suppose. Finally realizing that if we want things, we have to go get them. If we want to be happy, we gotta work to be happy.
And it is paying off.
I have also realized that in this post, I have been sort of vague. Not really going into detail and no one will really know what it is EXACTLY that I am talking about. But that's a good thing. Just for now. It's a good thing. I can't let it all out now or it will just come out weird and too soon. I'm ok with that.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A run in with nature....
This bird was sitting on my car when I got off work. It let me pet it and I actually ended up picking it up and as I was setting it on the ground it flew away out of my hands. Aww baby birds.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Not sure what this means...
I am extremely tired with all this overtime I have been working. But my spirits definitely have their highs and lows. I gotta stop doing certain things to myself. I need to start from scratch on not try to mend things that are meant to stay broken. Oh well. Also there are two bands that have completely taken over my ears.
Seriously, As Cities Burn - Hell or Highwater puts me in a deep trance with thoughts of life and such. And Owl City - Ocean Eyes makes me want to fall in love with a girl in the spring time on a grassy field.
I think I need help.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Life....the things we do to ourselves..
I think it is funny sometimes the things we do in life, that we know will either negatively effect us or cause stress in our life. So here, I'll tell you about the things that I have been doing lately to negatively effect me or stress me out.
A few weeks back I had been living with my grandma for a while. It was just not a good situation for me. But it was cheap, VERY close to work, and was just probably the best thing for me to do. I was relying on family so that made it harder on me. And also since I was living in Utah County(which is about 30 mins south from Salt Lake County where every friend I have resides) it meant that I had no social life. So I decided to look for a place to live in the Salt Lake valley on my own and by myself. Looked at a lot of one bedroom apartments and such, looking for the best option for me to take. Luckily around that time a room opened up in my best friends apartment so I moved in there. Probably one of the smartest moves I have made in my life. BUT it does come with a lot of stress. The commute to work is 35 mins averaging 65 mph. Lots of gas is used. Rent is much more than I was paying. Plus I have to buy my food and such. So all of this is stressful yes. Money is stressful pretty much. But it's so worth being completely on my own. Even if I am not doing anything but sitting in my room.
Another thing that is stressful in life is the 1992 Nissan Sentra that I drive. If you go back to almost my very first post, you will see a picture of it in its better days. And you're gonna look at that picture and go "Better days? wtf is Dan thinking?" and I will agree. But it's much much worse now. I am waiting for it to die on me and I know it will die on me. It's a time bomb. The timing chain is off which makes the oil leak consistently and if not fixed, will eventually stop. It no longer goes into 5th gear. Causing me to be that crappy little car in the slow lane on the interstate that everyone hates. I used to hate those cars too...until I became one. Now I take my time, enjoy the drive, sing along with music. But along with living in Utah in the summer heat, right when spring rolled around my blower for my AC fan broke. So i turn the fan on, and nothing happens. Not to mention the AC has to be recharged. *sigh* So we will see when it finally dies. Maybe I could sell it before hand. Get some money off of it if possible. I'll see what I can do.
Anywho, pretty bored at work today. Didn't get much sleep last night. Went to bed late. Got up early to work the overtime I had scheduled. And in Seattle our awesome building that holds our servers caught fire so our servers are all screwed up. Making everything work slowly, and making today the busiest day for all of us here. And here I am working overtime. My patience by the end of the day will be widdled down to nothing.
We'll see if I survive.
A few weeks back I had been living with my grandma for a while. It was just not a good situation for me. But it was cheap, VERY close to work, and was just probably the best thing for me to do. I was relying on family so that made it harder on me. And also since I was living in Utah County(which is about 30 mins south from Salt Lake County where every friend I have resides) it meant that I had no social life. So I decided to look for a place to live in the Salt Lake valley on my own and by myself. Looked at a lot of one bedroom apartments and such, looking for the best option for me to take. Luckily around that time a room opened up in my best friends apartment so I moved in there. Probably one of the smartest moves I have made in my life. BUT it does come with a lot of stress. The commute to work is 35 mins averaging 65 mph. Lots of gas is used. Rent is much more than I was paying. Plus I have to buy my food and such. So all of this is stressful yes. Money is stressful pretty much. But it's so worth being completely on my own. Even if I am not doing anything but sitting in my room.
Another thing that is stressful in life is the 1992 Nissan Sentra that I drive. If you go back to almost my very first post, you will see a picture of it in its better days. And you're gonna look at that picture and go "Better days? wtf is Dan thinking?" and I will agree. But it's much much worse now. I am waiting for it to die on me and I know it will die on me. It's a time bomb. The timing chain is off which makes the oil leak consistently and if not fixed, will eventually stop. It no longer goes into 5th gear. Causing me to be that crappy little car in the slow lane on the interstate that everyone hates. I used to hate those cars too...until I became one. Now I take my time, enjoy the drive, sing along with music. But along with living in Utah in the summer heat, right when spring rolled around my blower for my AC fan broke. So i turn the fan on, and nothing happens. Not to mention the AC has to be recharged. *sigh* So we will see when it finally dies. Maybe I could sell it before hand. Get some money off of it if possible. I'll see what I can do.
Anywho, pretty bored at work today. Didn't get much sleep last night. Went to bed late. Got up early to work the overtime I had scheduled. And in Seattle our awesome building that holds our servers caught fire so our servers are all screwed up. Making everything work slowly, and making today the busiest day for all of us here. And here I am working overtime. My patience by the end of the day will be widdled down to nothing.
We'll see if I survive.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Some things I'd like to get off my chest...
Ive been thinking lately about a lot of things that mean the most to me in my life. And my personality loves relationships. I love having relationships with people. Good friendships, deep relationships with a girl, etc. I think honestly it actually helps you be more healthy mentally to have relationships with lots of people and work on those relationships. Making sure they are all positive and such. But, with females I seem to struggle. So here are some real experiences that I have had in my life. These are things that I have learned. Things that I want in a relationship with a female. Let me just type them out I guess.
I had a girlfriend once who had had a lot of boyfriends. She dated boyfriends for long time periods. Over a year up to over just over two years. She believed that she knew more of what it was like to be in a relationship with someone than I did because the longest relationship I have ever been in, is 6 months. But one thing I realized with dating this girl, is she did know a lot of what it was like to be in a relationship. But she failed at one section of the relationship. Mutual respect. It was hard to date this girlfriend because she constantly texted her most recent ex that she had been in a relationship with. Claiming to be friends only. But we both agreed that he openly wanted her back. We knew he wanted to be dating her again, even though he fucked up and treated her like shit while dating her. But he constantly texted her and she talked to him and I was uncomfortable with it. I am not a jealous person. But I can be if I am given a reason to be. And with him, I actually got to the point where I told her she was not allowed to talk to him. A big thing I believe to be a relationship destroyer. Its not a healthy relationship when someone is telling you what you can or cannot do. So with me telling her she wasn't allowed to talk to him, really sent me to a place I never wanted to be as a boyfriend. But the reason I got to that point was because she didn't have the respect for me to realize I was uncomfortable with it. Especially with the way they talked to each other. Every text was not an innocent, "Whats up" but more of a "Baby I miss your beautiful brown eyes" "I wish you could be in my arms" etc. Even more of a reason for me to be uncomfortable with it. One big reason I did not receive the mutual respect, was when we first began dating I would lay with her in her bed until she fell asleep. One night she fell asleep earlier than normal. So once she was out...I left. Drove down the street but saw him in his car parked. Drove down a little bit and once I drove past he drove towards her house. Was not secret about it at all. So by the time I had turned around to see what was up, he was backing out of her drive way. After his car drove off, I checked her bedroom to see what was up, but she was not there. I could not tell you, how deceitful i felt that that was. I was shocked more than anything. But that just gave me another reason not to be comfortable with the situtation. I also did not like this individual. I believed him to not truly care for her. He used to be an addict to heroine and became clean when they started dating. But one of my childhood friends was friends with him. He was in my graduating class as well. I knew him. But that childhood friend was actually in the car with him when he did the heroine. While they were dating. I was told this while I was currently with her. I did not tell her to make me look better or anything along those lines. I told her because I knew she did not want people with negative energy in her life. But I don't think she cared. She cared when I told her and sobbed, but it never stopped her from talking to him. But one thing I never told her, mainly because I didnt want to and Im not sure about this. I don't know if I want to know if it is true or not. But that childhood friend who was good friends with him, told me something before I started a relationship with her. And at that point, I knew that he had no respect for her. But while my childhood friend was hanging out with him and all the guys in their group of friends, he would talk about things he liked to do with her sexually. Graphically explaining how he liked to be fucking her, and then pull out to cum in her mouth. Now the thing that bothered me about this and still angers me to this day, is that while he was talking to his friends about this he was in a relationship with her. Obviously your friends are going to know that you and your girl have sex, but you disrespect your girl when you start laughing and joking about what you do. Honestly, by YOU saying that about your girl, you are flat out explaining that your girlfriend is a whore. That's what YOU are implying to your friends while saying that shit. I just don't understand why you would want someone in your life who obviously does not respect you by telling your most intiment details to his friends as a joke, would lie to you about his drug addiction, and make sure to keep texting you innappropriate things after you asked him to stop talking to you out of respect for your most current relationship.
Another thing that was hard with the mutual respect that obviously was not there. And this goes for every relationship I have ever had with a female. Every single one of them does this. And it bothers me. But especially when you have been in a relationship for a while, when they do this it is retarded to me. Name calling. I have been in so many fights with girlfriends and they call me a dick, asshole, etc. The thing that bothers me about this is, I will argue with you. I will fight with you. But even with the rage and anger that I may be feeling, I will never degrade you. I will never call you a name like that. And every girlfriend or girl I have dated can look back on our relationship and realize that I never name called. I never called you a bitch or anything. It is immature.
I live my life every single day, being honest. I am honest in everything that I do or say. And one thing that bothers me is people who lie, are deceptive, sugar coat things, etc. I cannot stand it. It just doesn't make sense to me. I once had a girlfriend who would lie about EVERYTHING. She would say things about her own best friend making me hate her. Thinking that she needs to get rid of this best friend. And in turn, I made this best friend feel like shit whenever she was around. I made sure to make her know I did not like the way she treated my girlfriend and was not willing to let it slide. But then my girlfriend would talk bad about me to the best friend. So what it came down to, was she purposely made us hate each other. I do NOT know why. To this day it does not make sense to me. The best friend knew that she was doing it though. I learned after that her two best friends would have talks about how I treated the one best friend and her other friend would just say "We know how she is. Don't worry. It'll get better." And also this girlfriend would just lie about the most retarded things. She came back from the club one time wearing a hat and said she stole it from some drunk kid she had met that night. Yea...her ex boyfriend. It also turns out that she cheated on me with many different people while we were dating. More dishonest behavior. Yes, one of the guys she cheated on me happened to be one of my best friends. A best friend I had a lot of history with and such. I was upset for a long time after finding that out, but it probably was one of the best things that could ever happen to me. The learning experience I had from that situation was just refreshing. On a side note, if you don't learn from every relationship that you are in, you need to grow up. You will never be in a decent good relationship. But just be honest. In my life, I never have to cover my tracks. I never have to worry about someone finding out about something because I am honest. I am straight forward. What you see, really is what you get.
One thing that I realized most recently in my life is how I am in every relationship that I have gotten into. And the reason I am that way is because of my father and sisters. I grew up in a family of 3 older sisters and 2 parents who were very much in love. My mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. That happened with my transition from being a boy to a teenager. Where you start noticing girls, relationships, love, etc. But what I started to notice was how my father treated my mother. My mother began being limited with her mobility and not being able to do certain things from time to time. It's just how the disease works. Such a strange disease. One day you'll be able to go to the gym and work out but then the next you won't be able to leave your bed. But with that my dad made sure to take care of my mom. He made sure she had everything that she needed, and when she could do something, he made sure to do it just so she wouldn't have to. He did what she asked, and did things she didn't ask. And what that made me realize is...that is love. That is a man who truly loves the woman in his life. And I have to be that way to. I make sure to take care of the woman in my life. Whoever that may be. Right now, it's just me. But we'll see who the next one is.
Another thing I made sure not to be is a bro, dick, douche who every girl seems to date. Some cocky fagget who thinks they can treat everyone a certain way, especially there girl. With being the youngest in my family and having three older sisters, I saw every type of guy. I saw how each guy is and growing up with that, it allowed me to filter out the traits I want and don't want. Not to mention I saw how every guy who had the bad traits effected my sisters. I knew how certain behavior or what not, made my sisters feel. It gave me the desire to be one of the good guys.
Only problem with that is the good guys never win. The saying "nice guys finish last" is beyond true. There is 3 of us. Myself, David, and Christian. The two best friends a guy could ask for. Honestly. But we all are the same way. We are the good guys. And honestly, they have stories of their own, but it all proves my point. Girls do not want the good guys. They all can say they do. They can watch the Notebook or whatever movie they want that shows the good guy getting the girl in the end. But they don't see the good guy in their own life. So the good guy remains their friend. For years and years sometimes the guy will remain her friend. The good guy is boring. And he always will be. It's kind of funny. But I will get into that at another time. As for today, I think I have said enough......or too much.
I had a girlfriend once who had had a lot of boyfriends. She dated boyfriends for long time periods. Over a year up to over just over two years. She believed that she knew more of what it was like to be in a relationship with someone than I did because the longest relationship I have ever been in, is 6 months. But one thing I realized with dating this girl, is she did know a lot of what it was like to be in a relationship. But she failed at one section of the relationship. Mutual respect. It was hard to date this girlfriend because she constantly texted her most recent ex that she had been in a relationship with. Claiming to be friends only. But we both agreed that he openly wanted her back. We knew he wanted to be dating her again, even though he fucked up and treated her like shit while dating her. But he constantly texted her and she talked to him and I was uncomfortable with it. I am not a jealous person. But I can be if I am given a reason to be. And with him, I actually got to the point where I told her she was not allowed to talk to him. A big thing I believe to be a relationship destroyer. Its not a healthy relationship when someone is telling you what you can or cannot do. So with me telling her she wasn't allowed to talk to him, really sent me to a place I never wanted to be as a boyfriend. But the reason I got to that point was because she didn't have the respect for me to realize I was uncomfortable with it. Especially with the way they talked to each other. Every text was not an innocent, "Whats up" but more of a "Baby I miss your beautiful brown eyes" "I wish you could be in my arms" etc. Even more of a reason for me to be uncomfortable with it. One big reason I did not receive the mutual respect, was when we first began dating I would lay with her in her bed until she fell asleep. One night she fell asleep earlier than normal. So once she was out...I left. Drove down the street but saw him in his car parked. Drove down a little bit and once I drove past he drove towards her house. Was not secret about it at all. So by the time I had turned around to see what was up, he was backing out of her drive way. After his car drove off, I checked her bedroom to see what was up, but she was not there. I could not tell you, how deceitful i felt that that was. I was shocked more than anything. But that just gave me another reason not to be comfortable with the situtation. I also did not like this individual. I believed him to not truly care for her. He used to be an addict to heroine and became clean when they started dating. But one of my childhood friends was friends with him. He was in my graduating class as well. I knew him. But that childhood friend was actually in the car with him when he did the heroine. While they were dating. I was told this while I was currently with her. I did not tell her to make me look better or anything along those lines. I told her because I knew she did not want people with negative energy in her life. But I don't think she cared. She cared when I told her and sobbed, but it never stopped her from talking to him. But one thing I never told her, mainly because I didnt want to and Im not sure about this. I don't know if I want to know if it is true or not. But that childhood friend who was good friends with him, told me something before I started a relationship with her. And at that point, I knew that he had no respect for her. But while my childhood friend was hanging out with him and all the guys in their group of friends, he would talk about things he liked to do with her sexually. Graphically explaining how he liked to be fucking her, and then pull out to cum in her mouth. Now the thing that bothered me about this and still angers me to this day, is that while he was talking to his friends about this he was in a relationship with her. Obviously your friends are going to know that you and your girl have sex, but you disrespect your girl when you start laughing and joking about what you do. Honestly, by YOU saying that about your girl, you are flat out explaining that your girlfriend is a whore. That's what YOU are implying to your friends while saying that shit. I just don't understand why you would want someone in your life who obviously does not respect you by telling your most intiment details to his friends as a joke, would lie to you about his drug addiction, and make sure to keep texting you innappropriate things after you asked him to stop talking to you out of respect for your most current relationship.
Another thing that was hard with the mutual respect that obviously was not there. And this goes for every relationship I have ever had with a female. Every single one of them does this. And it bothers me. But especially when you have been in a relationship for a while, when they do this it is retarded to me. Name calling. I have been in so many fights with girlfriends and they call me a dick, asshole, etc. The thing that bothers me about this is, I will argue with you. I will fight with you. But even with the rage and anger that I may be feeling, I will never degrade you. I will never call you a name like that. And every girlfriend or girl I have dated can look back on our relationship and realize that I never name called. I never called you a bitch or anything. It is immature.
I live my life every single day, being honest. I am honest in everything that I do or say. And one thing that bothers me is people who lie, are deceptive, sugar coat things, etc. I cannot stand it. It just doesn't make sense to me. I once had a girlfriend who would lie about EVERYTHING. She would say things about her own best friend making me hate her. Thinking that she needs to get rid of this best friend. And in turn, I made this best friend feel like shit whenever she was around. I made sure to make her know I did not like the way she treated my girlfriend and was not willing to let it slide. But then my girlfriend would talk bad about me to the best friend. So what it came down to, was she purposely made us hate each other. I do NOT know why. To this day it does not make sense to me. The best friend knew that she was doing it though. I learned after that her two best friends would have talks about how I treated the one best friend and her other friend would just say "We know how she is. Don't worry. It'll get better." And also this girlfriend would just lie about the most retarded things. She came back from the club one time wearing a hat and said she stole it from some drunk kid she had met that night. Yea...her ex boyfriend. It also turns out that she cheated on me with many different people while we were dating. More dishonest behavior. Yes, one of the guys she cheated on me happened to be one of my best friends. A best friend I had a lot of history with and such. I was upset for a long time after finding that out, but it probably was one of the best things that could ever happen to me. The learning experience I had from that situation was just refreshing. On a side note, if you don't learn from every relationship that you are in, you need to grow up. You will never be in a decent good relationship. But just be honest. In my life, I never have to cover my tracks. I never have to worry about someone finding out about something because I am honest. I am straight forward. What you see, really is what you get.
One thing that I realized most recently in my life is how I am in every relationship that I have gotten into. And the reason I am that way is because of my father and sisters. I grew up in a family of 3 older sisters and 2 parents who were very much in love. My mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. That happened with my transition from being a boy to a teenager. Where you start noticing girls, relationships, love, etc. But what I started to notice was how my father treated my mother. My mother began being limited with her mobility and not being able to do certain things from time to time. It's just how the disease works. Such a strange disease. One day you'll be able to go to the gym and work out but then the next you won't be able to leave your bed. But with that my dad made sure to take care of my mom. He made sure she had everything that she needed, and when she could do something, he made sure to do it just so she wouldn't have to. He did what she asked, and did things she didn't ask. And what that made me realize is...that is love. That is a man who truly loves the woman in his life. And I have to be that way to. I make sure to take care of the woman in my life. Whoever that may be. Right now, it's just me. But we'll see who the next one is.
Another thing I made sure not to be is a bro, dick, douche who every girl seems to date. Some cocky fagget who thinks they can treat everyone a certain way, especially there girl. With being the youngest in my family and having three older sisters, I saw every type of guy. I saw how each guy is and growing up with that, it allowed me to filter out the traits I want and don't want. Not to mention I saw how every guy who had the bad traits effected my sisters. I knew how certain behavior or what not, made my sisters feel. It gave me the desire to be one of the good guys.
Only problem with that is the good guys never win. The saying "nice guys finish last" is beyond true. There is 3 of us. Myself, David, and Christian. The two best friends a guy could ask for. Honestly. But we all are the same way. We are the good guys. And honestly, they have stories of their own, but it all proves my point. Girls do not want the good guys. They all can say they do. They can watch the Notebook or whatever movie they want that shows the good guy getting the girl in the end. But they don't see the good guy in their own life. So the good guy remains their friend. For years and years sometimes the guy will remain her friend. The good guy is boring. And he always will be. It's kind of funny. But I will get into that at another time. As for today, I think I have said enough......or too much.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Why can't you just say "no"?
Its not that hard.
"Dan...do you want to go get ice cream?"
"No. I don't want to."
See not that hard.
But instead it's
"Dan....do you want to go get ice cream?"
"Maybe. Let me just drag you along thinking it may be a possibility but then say no and have you find out later all my excuses I gave you weren't exactly true and I knew you really wanted that ice cream, but fuck it, I would be doing you a favor technically in my mind because I am too big of a cunt bleeding cotton ball who can't say no."
I'm just sayin.
Say no.
Don't fuck around.
ITS NOT A BAD THING!
HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS NICE AND THATS THE JOY IN IT!
I'm also starting to think that my friends don't really like me. Like, they don't understand. And everyone is changing. Everyone is growing up. I'm not. But it's this fucking mental state that I have where Im not the one that is different, but everyone else is. I'm losing my fucking mind.
I'm done.
"Dan...do you want to go get ice cream?"
"No. I don't want to."
See not that hard.
But instead it's
"Dan....do you want to go get ice cream?"
"Maybe. Let me just drag you along thinking it may be a possibility but then say no and have you find out later all my excuses I gave you weren't exactly true and I knew you really wanted that ice cream, but fuck it, I would be doing you a favor technically in my mind because I am too big of a cunt bleeding cotton ball who can't say no."
I'm just sayin.
Say no.
Don't fuck around.
ITS NOT A BAD THING!
HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS NICE AND THATS THE JOY IN IT!
I'm also starting to think that my friends don't really like me. Like, they don't understand. And everyone is changing. Everyone is growing up. I'm not. But it's this fucking mental state that I have where Im not the one that is different, but everyone else is. I'm losing my fucking mind.
I'm done.
Friday, June 12, 2009
What happened to May?
Let alone, what happened to June. But the real question is what happened to me? I disappeared. No longer finding time or the words to write on my blog. This saddens me.
A lot is changing in the world of Daniel Scott Walker. I am moving to the city this week and no longer going to be living in my grandmothers basement. Which is a relief. Im not worried about anything really. I think it will be good and everything will work out. The only thing I am uneasy about it my cars transmission acting funny and not being able to drive in 5th gear. I guess that is the only thing I am unsure about. But it is a fresh start and I am glad.
I feel so useless typing this. I feel like I have so much to say but no clue on WHAT to say.
I'm just going to continue feel being useless and wait til I can be myself and with my thoughts.
A lot is changing in the world of Daniel Scott Walker. I am moving to the city this week and no longer going to be living in my grandmothers basement. Which is a relief. Im not worried about anything really. I think it will be good and everything will work out. The only thing I am uneasy about it my cars transmission acting funny and not being able to drive in 5th gear. I guess that is the only thing I am unsure about. But it is a fresh start and I am glad.
I feel so useless typing this. I feel like I have so much to say but no clue on WHAT to say.
I'm just going to continue feel being useless and wait til I can be myself and with my thoughts.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Invisible Children
I just wanted to give a little information on an organization I recently become a part of. The cause is called Invisible Children. This cause is something that has been around for a while and that I have known about for some time. I knew a little about what they were about and what they were fighting for. A close friend made me watch the video of their efforts and helped explain the reason why they exist.
To give a little information, a man by the name Joseph Kony is the leader of a rebel group in Uganda. They attack villages and massacre hundreds of people. They also steal their children and make them into soldiers. 90% of his army are children. As young as 5 years old. I know a lot of you have children. I know that you care more for your child than anything in the world. There are mothers just like you in Uganda, who have their children stolen in the night and turned into soldiers.
I want you to put yourself in the shoes of these people. The towns live in fear that they may be attacked. The children live in fear that they might be abducted in the night. Stolen from their families and their life. Once taken, escape is difficult if not impossible. Any attempt to escape will get you killed. We are lucky. We go through life everyday, stressing about bills, material things, money. These people are not rich. They live in poverty. But they also live in fear. Our generation is the future. We need to fight this. This is our chance for our generation to fight for civil rights. But it's become an international issue. We have things today that our parents and grandparents didn't. We have technology. We can spread the word and get people informed more than ever before. We can make a change in the world. It doesn't matter your age, it doesn't matter how busy you are. This is it.
We may live in the United States, but this issue is not just a Uganda problem. Its a humanity problem. We need to get rid of people like Joseph Kony. Now, I am just me. I am not a professional speaker or anything. All I can do is write from the heart and hope that you see how big of a problem this is. 30,000 children need to be rescued from the terror of Joseph Kony.
If you got nothing out of this post, I apologize. I tried my best. But please visit www.invisiblechildren.com and watch The Rescue documentary.
I honestly beg you to do this. It's short, and will explain better what this organization is about. And if you do get something out of this, please pass on the message.
Thanks
To give a little information, a man by the name Joseph Kony is the leader of a rebel group in Uganda. They attack villages and massacre hundreds of people. They also steal their children and make them into soldiers. 90% of his army are children. As young as 5 years old. I know a lot of you have children. I know that you care more for your child than anything in the world. There are mothers just like you in Uganda, who have their children stolen in the night and turned into soldiers.
I want you to put yourself in the shoes of these people. The towns live in fear that they may be attacked. The children live in fear that they might be abducted in the night. Stolen from their families and their life. Once taken, escape is difficult if not impossible. Any attempt to escape will get you killed. We are lucky. We go through life everyday, stressing about bills, material things, money. These people are not rich. They live in poverty. But they also live in fear. Our generation is the future. We need to fight this. This is our chance for our generation to fight for civil rights. But it's become an international issue. We have things today that our parents and grandparents didn't. We have technology. We can spread the word and get people informed more than ever before. We can make a change in the world. It doesn't matter your age, it doesn't matter how busy you are. This is it.
We may live in the United States, but this issue is not just a Uganda problem. Its a humanity problem. We need to get rid of people like Joseph Kony. Now, I am just me. I am not a professional speaker or anything. All I can do is write from the heart and hope that you see how big of a problem this is. 30,000 children need to be rescued from the terror of Joseph Kony.
If you got nothing out of this post, I apologize. I tried my best. But please visit www.invisiblechildren.com and watch The Rescue documentary.
I honestly beg you to do this. It's short, and will explain better what this organization is about. And if you do get something out of this, please pass on the message.
Thanks
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Ramble?
I think I like posting blogs where I ramble on and and with nothing really intelligent to say. But I only like the posts when I am creating it. I look back and read over the post and get upset with myself for posting it, fearing that it will portray me as less of a writer. Which puts me in another intense thought process where I argue with myself on why I am trying to be a better writer. I am no writer. I have no desire to be a writer. But I stress it. I shouldn't. And I continue to.So here I sit, late and night, not being able to sleep. I'm watching Good Eats with Alton Brown on the Food Network. Which actually depresses me. I enjoy cooking so much. It relaxes me to be in a kitchen. Since I currently live with my grandma, her small little kitchen wouldn't suffice my desire. But it will be ok. Once I get my own place in the future, I'll be cooking non-stop. And I am not cocky about really anything, but I am a damn good cook. That is one thing I will be confident in. The only person who challenges me, is my mother. And I'm ok with that.
I'm bothered I can't sleep. I randomly took a nap after work today which is now preventing my highly desired dreaming. I have to get up in 6ish hours to go running before work. Definitely trying to become more healthy and more fit. Trying to eat well, exercise daily, you know...typical stuff. Also trying to detox myself. I am currently using those Kinoki Pads you put on your feet while you sleep. They then take out all the toxins in your body. From people I've heard who use them too, one girls skin cleared up after she started using them. So we'll see how they do. Also plan on buying some of those colon clean out systems. As weird as they may sound, they have a good purpose. Also good for weight loss. Your colon holds around 15lbs of fecal matter that is just stored up over time. Gross eh? But it must be done. Anything I can do to help me be healthier.
Mental and behavior health is important too. I would highly recommend to order any product by Tony Robbins. It will seriously help build your mental and behavioral state to its healthiest potential. I haven't taken the chance to sit down and dive into the program like I want to, but already with the bits and pieces of the program I have done....its already made things much more clear.
I think sleep is needed. Thought processing and typing on my little phone here is becoming difficult. Anyway, I'm out.
I'm bothered I can't sleep. I randomly took a nap after work today which is now preventing my highly desired dreaming. I have to get up in 6ish hours to go running before work. Definitely trying to become more healthy and more fit. Trying to eat well, exercise daily, you know...typical stuff. Also trying to detox myself. I am currently using those Kinoki Pads you put on your feet while you sleep. They then take out all the toxins in your body. From people I've heard who use them too, one girls skin cleared up after she started using them. So we'll see how they do. Also plan on buying some of those colon clean out systems. As weird as they may sound, they have a good purpose. Also good for weight loss. Your colon holds around 15lbs of fecal matter that is just stored up over time. Gross eh? But it must be done. Anything I can do to help me be healthier.
Mental and behavior health is important too. I would highly recommend to order any product by Tony Robbins. It will seriously help build your mental and behavioral state to its healthiest potential. I haven't taken the chance to sit down and dive into the program like I want to, but already with the bits and pieces of the program I have done....its already made things much more clear.
I think sleep is needed. Thought processing and typing on my little phone here is becoming difficult. Anyway, I'm out.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Tour Memories
So I decided to write some memories here and there to make my blog a little more enjoyable. It will also allow me to remember them for a longer period of time.
These memories are just a few that I have from my days touring with a band called The Trademark. I first became friends with them my sophomore year of high school and a few years later after graduation, we set off on their first tour ever. We did a few weekend tours and a few longer tours. But these are the memories from tour.
We were in Nebraska at one show that had a really big turn out for a crowd. It was awesome. The fans loved it, Drew(bassist) did a guitar swing with his bass that broke off from the strap and shot into the wall of the venue. Just an overall good show. We were all on a high, fans wanting autographs, tons buying merch. I was on filming duty, so I was all over the place. Interviewing fans, and just getting a lot of footage for a possible tour diary. I remember these two girls were saying that they would make out and take off their clothes for the band. So a local fan, myself, the two girls, and if I remember correctly, two other fans went outside. I knew nothing would happen but I was mistaken. They made a deal with the local fan that they would if he stripped down and ran around the city block undressed. Funny thing is, he did. We all made fun and laughed. And we went back inside while he took off running.
We were in St. Cloud, Minnesota another night. We got to the show early and had nothing to do. Browsed the Internet, checked the myspace, responded to emails, etc. Across the street was a sex shop and oddly enough, most of the towns we played in, the venue would be right next to a
sex shop. We went to every one. At this particular one I have some awesome memories. I remember holding up a DVD and handing it to my buddy Riley, telling him I was going to buy it for him. He was super excited. He didn't notice that it was a Chicks with Dicks movie.
I also found a giant purple fist dildo. The first one I had ever seen in my life in person. Picked it up, hid in the aisles, and jumped out trying to punch my friends in the face with it as they came around the corner.
The band we were touring with was a band called Offset. Love that band to death. Such awesome dudes. The lead singers birthday was that day and we all pitched in and bought him a penis squirt gun. Gave it to him on stage. Haha oh the laughs.
We had a show in Fargo, North Dakota. Drew played the show dressed up in a batman costume made for someone 10 years younger than him. Quite interesting. After the show we took off for a 13 hour drive from Fargo to Torrington, Wyoming. Quite the drive. We stopped at some gas stations here and there.
Let me take a break and describe to you how we drove from city to city. After every show, we would load up the van, Drew(bass) and Natty(drums) would get in the back seat. Riley(guitar) would drive and I would co-pilot. That's how it was every night. No one else ever drove, I rarely didn't co-pilot. I had some prescription medicine (that I am not going to release the name because it shouldn't be used how we used it) that we took which would keep us awake. You never feel tired. It makes you feel awake. Not on a hyper boost. Its actually a great medicine when used properly. Bad thing is, You are supposed to take one and it will keep you awake for 12 hours. Its made for insomniacs to take when they wake up so when its time for bed, they'll be able to sleep since they didn't nap or feel tired throughout the day. But if you take another pill when those 12 hours are up.....you'll stay awake. Feeling great. Wide awake. After a few days though...you're body will just crash and you'll sleep for at least a day.
Well right before we left, we took the medicine. And started to drive. We drove forever stopping at gas stations. I was 18. Had bad habits of drinking tons of mountain dew, gas station coffee, and muffins. I ate so many damn lemon muffins. Delicious, yet extremely unhealthy.
Well we drove through the night and Drew woke up around 6am and was chatting with us. I decided it would probably be best if he was wide awake for me to maybe sleep a little. So we switched spots. During my sleep, a mighty war rumbled inside me. Between all the crap food I ate and my stomach. My stomach lost. I wake up and we are driving through the mountains. Somewhere in South Dakota near Mt Rushmore.
I say, "Hey...can we pull over...I need to pee."
Response, "Shut up, Fat."
(My nickname was Fat Dan...so I was called Fat for short. That's another story.)
I say, "I need to throw up."
Response, "Liar...you just said you needed to pee."
Knowing that I wasn't going to be able to convince them I really needed to throw up, I opened the door to the van, leaned out and started to vomit.
Cars behind us started honking, Drew had half his body out the window laughing and screaming "SOMEONE GRAB THE VIDEO CAMERA...THIS IS AWESOME!"
I get back in the van, feeling a thousand times better, and went back to sleep. I would wake up 3 hours later to continue the drive. But somewhere near Mt. Rushmore, my vomit is on a freeway.
Once we arrived in Torrington, Wyoming we found out that the venue for the concert no longer could have the show. A fan told us that we could do the show in his garage at his house. And his parents wouldn't mind. But this was so last minute. There was no way to make sure that people knew where the new location would be. School was out in an hour and we made tons of hand made flyer's. Offset was touring in a motor home while we were in a tour van. We parked both in front of the school. School got out and all the kids came out. Brian from Offset put on his wrestler mask and stood on top of the RV. Screaming at all the kids, telling them to go to Jake's house for the concert. All of us handing out our hand-made flyer's. Turns out, it worked. The garage was packed. It was a pretty big garage too. And it was filled. The parents rocked out with us, the kids had a good time, we made bank on merchandise. Good turn out.
One awesome memory I have was doing an interview with DJ Rossstar. They were the first band he had on the show was un-signed. But it was fun. We had a good time. A lot of really big bands had been in his small little apartment and he is rad. We had just gotten back from the beach before going to his show. So we were a little wet. I think I'll tell you about that....now.
We are from Utah. It was April. The weather was warm. It was still snowing in Utah and cold. We were excited to see the sun and be able to go to the beach. Our pale white bodies put on our swimsuits and Drew and I ventured out into the Pacific Ocean. The locals who were running on the boardwalk in parkas and sweatshirts, probably thought in their head "Crazy tourists."
Because who else would be jumping into 50 degree water and having a good time?
These are all the stories I will post for now. Even though I have many more. And you're probably sick of reading by now as well. Hope you enjoyed it.
These memories are just a few that I have from my days touring with a band called The Trademark. I first became friends with them my sophomore year of high school and a few years later after graduation, we set off on their first tour ever. We did a few weekend tours and a few longer tours. But these are the memories from tour.
We were in Nebraska at one show that had a really big turn out for a crowd. It was awesome. The fans loved it, Drew(bassist) did a guitar swing with his bass that broke off from the strap and shot into the wall of the venue. Just an overall good show. We were all on a high, fans wanting autographs, tons buying merch. I was on filming duty, so I was all over the place. Interviewing fans, and just getting a lot of footage for a possible tour diary. I remember these two girls were saying that they would make out and take off their clothes for the band. So a local fan, myself, the two girls, and if I remember correctly, two other fans went outside. I knew nothing would happen but I was mistaken. They made a deal with the local fan that they would if he stripped down and ran around the city block undressed. Funny thing is, he did. We all made fun and laughed. And we went back inside while he took off running.
We were in St. Cloud, Minnesota another night. We got to the show early and had nothing to do. Browsed the Internet, checked the myspace, responded to emails, etc. Across the street was a sex shop and oddly enough, most of the towns we played in, the venue would be right next to a
sex shop. We went to every one. At this particular one I have some awesome memories. I remember holding up a DVD and handing it to my buddy Riley, telling him I was going to buy it for him. He was super excited. He didn't notice that it was a Chicks with Dicks movie.I also found a giant purple fist dildo. The first one I had ever seen in my life in person. Picked it up, hid in the aisles, and jumped out trying to punch my friends in the face with it as they came around the corner.
The band we were touring with was a band called Offset. Love that band to death. Such awesome dudes. The lead singers birthday was that day and we all pitched in and bought him a penis squirt gun. Gave it to him on stage. Haha oh the laughs.
We had a show in Fargo, North Dakota. Drew played the show dressed up in a batman costume made for someone 10 years younger than him. Quite interesting. After the show we took off for a 13 hour drive from Fargo to Torrington, Wyoming. Quite the drive. We stopped at some gas stations here and there.
Let me take a break and describe to you how we drove from city to city. After every show, we would load up the van, Drew(bass) and Natty(drums) would get in the back seat. Riley(guitar) would drive and I would co-pilot. That's how it was every night. No one else ever drove, I rarely didn't co-pilot. I had some prescription medicine (that I am not going to release the name because it shouldn't be used how we used it) that we took which would keep us awake. You never feel tired. It makes you feel awake. Not on a hyper boost. Its actually a great medicine when used properly. Bad thing is, You are supposed to take one and it will keep you awake for 12 hours. Its made for insomniacs to take when they wake up so when its time for bed, they'll be able to sleep since they didn't nap or feel tired throughout the day. But if you take another pill when those 12 hours are up.....you'll stay awake. Feeling great. Wide awake. After a few days though...you're body will just crash and you'll sleep for at least a day.
Well right before we left, we took the medicine. And started to drive. We drove forever stopping at gas stations. I was 18. Had bad habits of drinking tons of mountain dew, gas station coffee, and muffins. I ate so many damn lemon muffins. Delicious, yet extremely unhealthy.Well we drove through the night and Drew woke up around 6am and was chatting with us. I decided it would probably be best if he was wide awake for me to maybe sleep a little. So we switched spots. During my sleep, a mighty war rumbled inside me. Between all the crap food I ate and my stomach. My stomach lost. I wake up and we are driving through the mountains. Somewhere in South Dakota near Mt Rushmore.
I say, "Hey...can we pull over...I need to pee."
Response, "Shut up, Fat."
(My nickname was Fat Dan...so I was called Fat for short. That's another story.)
I say, "I need to throw up."
Response, "Liar...you just said you needed to pee."
Knowing that I wasn't going to be able to convince them I really needed to throw up, I opened the door to the van, leaned out and started to vomit.
Cars behind us started honking, Drew had half his body out the window laughing and screaming "SOMEONE GRAB THE VIDEO CAMERA...THIS IS AWESOME!"
I get back in the van, feeling a thousand times better, and went back to sleep. I would wake up 3 hours later to continue the drive. But somewhere near Mt. Rushmore, my vomit is on a freeway.
Once we arrived in Torrington, Wyoming we found out that the venue for the concert no longer could have the show. A fan told us that we could do the show in his garage at his house. And his parents wouldn't mind. But this was so last minute. There was no way to make sure that people knew where the new location would be. School was out in an hour and we made tons of hand made flyer's. Offset was touring in a motor home while we were in a tour van. We parked both in front of the school. School got out and all the kids came out. Brian from Offset put on his wrestler mask and stood on top of the RV. Screaming at all the kids, telling them to go to Jake's house for the concert. All of us handing out our hand-made flyer's. Turns out, it worked. The garage was packed. It was a pretty big garage too. And it was filled. The parents rocked out with us, the kids had a good time, we made bank on merchandise. Good turn out.
One awesome memory I have was doing an interview with DJ Rossstar. They were the first band he had on the show was un-signed. But it was fun. We had a good time. A lot of really big bands had been in his small little apartment and he is rad. We had just gotten back from the beach before going to his show. So we were a little wet. I think I'll tell you about that....now.
We are from Utah. It was April. The weather was warm. It was still snowing in Utah and cold. We were excited to see the sun and be able to go to the beach. Our pale white bodies put on our swimsuits and Drew and I ventured out into the Pacific Ocean. The locals who were running on the boardwalk in parkas and sweatshirts, probably thought in their head "Crazy tourists."
Because who else would be jumping into 50 degree water and having a good time?
These are all the stories I will post for now. Even though I have many more. And you're probably sick of reading by now as well. Hope you enjoyed it.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Do you hear wedding bells? Do you now?
I'd like to just give a post to my friends Deadmond and Emily. Just recently heard the confirmation that they will be getting married and honestly, couldn't be happier for them.
I first met Emily through Myspace and we became friends and she would always tell me about her boyfriend at the time named Eric. Man, was he a moron. Emily and I became pretty good friends that lasted over a few years. Fondest memories of her are visiting her at her job at Johnny Carinos, and listening to her talk about her younger brother Trace.
Deadmond I met through my friend Tyson. We randomly went over to his house and I had recently broken up with a girlfriend who cheated on me constantly. So when we arrived and he told me that he knew my ex and such, I instantly had hard feelings towards him. Not really sure why, but mainly didn't trust him. That very quickly passed and we became good friends. I remember going to the Orem carnival with him and also going to the park where there was a random 7 year old kid throwing water balloons at us and screaming "Shit" everytime they didn't pop.
Scott and Emily both needed a job and I convinced them to apply at my job at the time. They were both hired, we all became friends, they fell in love. I won't take any credit for them being able to meet each other.......wait, yes I will. Buhahahaha! Jk. But they are two awesome people who truly deserve the best, and I know they are gonna be happy together. Best wishes Scott and Emily.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Chills....
This video gives me chills everytime. I love this version of 'Don't Stop Believin'. Sad, that I can only listen to it on this clip. BUT, I will be watching this show. I am excited.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ea2pMx1lYw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ea2pMx1lYw
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Fire.
Lately, been super excited for life. Never have felt like this before. Can honestly say that it is the best feeling in the world. I honestly feel like nothing can stop me right now. I have never had a more clear view on what I want. The best way I can describe it is feeling, almost giddy 24 hours a day. Every weekend I have been hiking in the mountains, being out in nature, trying to make sure that I enjoy every single day I am alive. For someone who has been depressed my entire life, and been discouraged with things that happen to me, its refreshing. I want it all. And I am going to get it.
Woo! LIFE! YEA!
I need to go buy some new shoes. Recently bought some running shoes. Those have helped tremendously in my exercising. Cardio man. It works. Need new jeans as well. My sevens, as seen a few posts back, have been deemed: un-wearable. Is that a word? Let me know.
Seriously....is Lady Gaga from the future? Where does she get these outfits?
Everyone who deals with her appearance must come from the future. Her designer, make-up artist, hair stylist.......plastic surgeon?
Yep....the future.
Here is one thing I was thinking about when I was at Walmart. There are thousands of Walmarts in the country. Now recently at the one I currently shop at, they have cut back their staff significantly. I think they laid off around 30 employees. That's a huge number when it comes to Walmart. When it's constantly busy and out of the 29 check out lanes they have only 5 open usually. This does not include self-check out. But with as much as we rely on Walmart for our needs and all the statistics that have been out there about Walmart being such a huge chunk of our economy that "if they shut down we would go into a recession" and so forth. Here's my question. What if Walmart (who are more tight with their wallet than George Costanza) just sucked it up, and hired 30 MORE people instead of laying off 30. If every store did that, think about how many people in the country would be getting jobs. More jobs equal more people spending money. More people spending money means the United States is no longer in a recession. I know this wouldn't solve all the problems. Like all the morons on Wall Street and all the bankers who gave out bad loans. But still, do you think it would make a difference? Tell me what you think.
Seriously....cannot wait for the blink-182 tour. But come on.....they're touring with Weezer. Don't get me wrong, old Weezer is tight.
New Weezer can suck it. But they should have done a tour their fans would appreciate more.
But whatever, I'm just glad they're back. It's also rad to have Mark update a lot about practicing and such. Mainly because we fans did not have it before. I remember on their last album they had the webcam playing constantly in the studio, and then the video updates.
I think they were probably one of the first bands to do that. Now bands do it all the time. But I guess the comforting thing about Mark's Twitter updates is that, he comes off just as excited as we are. Yes Mark, we're excited. Post more pictures please. More shenanigans? I don't care. *sigh* I love blink-182.
Anywho, lunch break is over....back to the grind. (yes...my lunch break today was from 4:30pm to 5:30pm...a little messed up? Oh yes.) (Think I could say "seriously"....one more time?)
Woo! LIFE! YEA!
I need to go buy some new shoes. Recently bought some running shoes. Those have helped tremendously in my exercising. Cardio man. It works. Need new jeans as well. My sevens, as seen a few posts back, have been deemed: un-wearable. Is that a word? Let me know.
Seriously....is Lady Gaga from the future? Where does she get these outfits?
Everyone who deals with her appearance must come from the future. Her designer, make-up artist, hair stylist.......plastic surgeon?
Yep....the future.
Here is one thing I was thinking about when I was at Walmart. There are thousands of Walmarts in the country. Now recently at the one I currently shop at, they have cut back their staff significantly. I think they laid off around 30 employees. That's a huge number when it comes to Walmart. When it's constantly busy and out of the 29 check out lanes they have only 5 open usually. This does not include self-check out. But with as much as we rely on Walmart for our needs and all the statistics that have been out there about Walmart being such a huge chunk of our economy that "if they shut down we would go into a recession" and so forth. Here's my question. What if Walmart (who are more tight with their wallet than George Costanza) just sucked it up, and hired 30 MORE people instead of laying off 30. If every store did that, think about how many people in the country would be getting jobs. More jobs equal more people spending money. More people spending money means the United States is no longer in a recession. I know this wouldn't solve all the problems. Like all the morons on Wall Street and all the bankers who gave out bad loans. But still, do you think it would make a difference? Tell me what you think.Seriously....cannot wait for the blink-182 tour. But come on.....they're touring with Weezer. Don't get me wrong, old Weezer is tight.
New Weezer can suck it. But they should have done a tour their fans would appreciate more.But whatever, I'm just glad they're back. It's also rad to have Mark update a lot about practicing and such. Mainly because we fans did not have it before. I remember on their last album they had the webcam playing constantly in the studio, and then the video updates.
I think they were probably one of the first bands to do that. Now bands do it all the time. But I guess the comforting thing about Mark's Twitter updates is that, he comes off just as excited as we are. Yes Mark, we're excited. Post more pictures please. More shenanigans? I don't care. *sigh* I love blink-182.
Anywho, lunch break is over....back to the grind. (yes...my lunch break today was from 4:30pm to 5:30pm...a little messed up? Oh yes.) (Think I could say "seriously"....one more time?)
Monday, April 20, 2009
Still the same old me....
One thing I am hoping from this blog is the most complete honest posts from a soul. I will always speak my mind and let you into my world. It will bring us closer as readers and blogger. Let me start off by saying though that no one in my blogs should ever be offended by what I will say for posting it here. This is my diary that I am sharing with the world, and I may have not confronted you with it prior to typing these thoughts. I don't mean to ever hurt or offend someone that I may include in a blog I write. But, these are my most honest feelings of THAT MOMENT so please confront me if you will. We are all human so I know that me calling you out on something may offend you and may upset you. But those are not my intentions at all. That being said....
It's annoying. Today I have been highly annoyed by just about everything. Ive sat and thought a lot about the people in my life and deciding whether or not they should be people in my life. No matter how much I love them. I freaked out earlier today with a Facebook status calling two people out on their behavior, but they will not see it. But I have these two friends that I consider my best friends in the world at this time in life.
So easily I want to say, "Listen, I am frustrated with you." But it won't change anything. I know it won't. I love communication and being able to talk and be social. Not really to strangers. But to my own close friends. I will text them throughout the day saying "Hey man check this out" or "Hey man, what you up to?" Just to talk to him because they are my best friends. I want to see how their day is going or just chat and share ideas. But I will go unanswered sometimes even for an entire day.
One friend is scared of technology and has a phobia of being social. He doesn't like cell phones, or IM's, or social networks because he just doesn't know what to say.
Another friend who I used to have great conversation with until he found a girlfriend. One who has changed him. He can bitch all he wants about how she has changed him for the better and all the bull shit he wants. But honestly, I will not believe for a second that he is truly happy.
AM I A DICK?
Nope. And neither of them can be upset for me saying this. Because both of them have so easily dropped the communication with me from their lives that I can only go off of what I see and hear from them. Its not much. It never is. But let me get a lot more deep and personal here.
Friend number one: If I honestly didn't text him for weeks, I would not hear from him for weeks. I have to initiate it all with him. I don't mind that except I am never getting conversation out of it. I'll be ignored or he'll say he'll check something out but never get around to it. There are albums from artists that we both love and I freak out saying things like "This is an amazing album! You must hear it man." And he'll get excited for it but then will never listen to it. We have albums that are a year old that I can't even talk to him about because he has never listened to it. But its day in and day out with every conversation. So let's see. Starting now, when will he realize I am gone.
Friend number two: One of the closest friends I have had in years. A strong friendship that grew into what honestly felt like a brotherhood. With me coming from a family where I am the only boy with only sisters, it was nice to have that feeling. But in the past year he has developed a relationship with a girl whom he has become very close to. They have a strong relationship. But I never hear from him anymore. Never can get ahold of him. So many times I will be ignored because they are spending time with each other. That's fine. But it's not a healthy relationship when you cut ties with pretty much the rest of the people in your life and make her solely your world. I can't randomly hang out with him without having it be planned. I can't hang out with him without her nagging him that she misses him. Constantly being glued to his phone to talk to her when they are apart. For 24 years old, its a fucking middle school relationship. The girl is nice, has a good personality and all. But for fucks sake, there are huge problems here. He has mentioned too before that it is hard to feel suffocated all the time.
Well no shit? Grow some balls and do your own thing once in a while. Tell her how it is. MAKE her realize that shes gotta grow up and learn how to deal.
All I want is communication. I am just upset with most everyone right now. I don't understand where it all went wrong. I try to be the best to everyone by being there for them, talking to them, just being a part of their lives because they mean something to me. I feel like I am doing doing doing and getting brushed off.
Why is it that I am feeling like I am doing, doing, doing, or I guess you could say trying, trying, trying and not having any success? Why am I constantly feeling let down by people that I truly care about. Am I expecting too much from them? I don't think so. Honestly. I just think that maybe they are too caught up in their own day to day lives to have relationships with me. Emo? Not at all.
I also feel like I am failing at writing because I re-read this over and over and cannot get to the point where I feel that my feelings are properly translated. Somewhere from my heart & brain to my fingertips there is a wire thats not connected.
For the two people I mentioned in this blog, which I'm sure you know who you are. If you read this, you know that I love you. You know that I will be there for you if you need me. I just want to know what the fuck happened and if I am wasting my time here. Am I?
I have nothing more to say right now. I hope today gets better.
It's annoying. Today I have been highly annoyed by just about everything. Ive sat and thought a lot about the people in my life and deciding whether or not they should be people in my life. No matter how much I love them. I freaked out earlier today with a Facebook status calling two people out on their behavior, but they will not see it. But I have these two friends that I consider my best friends in the world at this time in life.
So easily I want to say, "Listen, I am frustrated with you." But it won't change anything. I know it won't. I love communication and being able to talk and be social. Not really to strangers. But to my own close friends. I will text them throughout the day saying "Hey man check this out" or "Hey man, what you up to?" Just to talk to him because they are my best friends. I want to see how their day is going or just chat and share ideas. But I will go unanswered sometimes even for an entire day.
One friend is scared of technology and has a phobia of being social. He doesn't like cell phones, or IM's, or social networks because he just doesn't know what to say.
Another friend who I used to have great conversation with until he found a girlfriend. One who has changed him. He can bitch all he wants about how she has changed him for the better and all the bull shit he wants. But honestly, I will not believe for a second that he is truly happy.
AM I A DICK?
Nope. And neither of them can be upset for me saying this. Because both of them have so easily dropped the communication with me from their lives that I can only go off of what I see and hear from them. Its not much. It never is. But let me get a lot more deep and personal here.
Friend number one: If I honestly didn't text him for weeks, I would not hear from him for weeks. I have to initiate it all with him. I don't mind that except I am never getting conversation out of it. I'll be ignored or he'll say he'll check something out but never get around to it. There are albums from artists that we both love and I freak out saying things like "This is an amazing album! You must hear it man." And he'll get excited for it but then will never listen to it. We have albums that are a year old that I can't even talk to him about because he has never listened to it. But its day in and day out with every conversation. So let's see. Starting now, when will he realize I am gone.
Friend number two: One of the closest friends I have had in years. A strong friendship that grew into what honestly felt like a brotherhood. With me coming from a family where I am the only boy with only sisters, it was nice to have that feeling. But in the past year he has developed a relationship with a girl whom he has become very close to. They have a strong relationship. But I never hear from him anymore. Never can get ahold of him. So many times I will be ignored because they are spending time with each other. That's fine. But it's not a healthy relationship when you cut ties with pretty much the rest of the people in your life and make her solely your world. I can't randomly hang out with him without having it be planned. I can't hang out with him without her nagging him that she misses him. Constantly being glued to his phone to talk to her when they are apart. For 24 years old, its a fucking middle school relationship. The girl is nice, has a good personality and all. But for fucks sake, there are huge problems here. He has mentioned too before that it is hard to feel suffocated all the time.
Well no shit? Grow some balls and do your own thing once in a while. Tell her how it is. MAKE her realize that shes gotta grow up and learn how to deal.
All I want is communication. I am just upset with most everyone right now. I don't understand where it all went wrong. I try to be the best to everyone by being there for them, talking to them, just being a part of their lives because they mean something to me. I feel like I am doing doing doing and getting brushed off.
Why is it that I am feeling like I am doing, doing, doing, or I guess you could say trying, trying, trying and not having any success? Why am I constantly feeling let down by people that I truly care about. Am I expecting too much from them? I don't think so. Honestly. I just think that maybe they are too caught up in their own day to day lives to have relationships with me. Emo? Not at all.
I also feel like I am failing at writing because I re-read this over and over and cannot get to the point where I feel that my feelings are properly translated. Somewhere from my heart & brain to my fingertips there is a wire thats not connected.
For the two people I mentioned in this blog, which I'm sure you know who you are. If you read this, you know that I love you. You know that I will be there for you if you need me. I just want to know what the fuck happened and if I am wasting my time here. Am I?
I have nothing more to say right now. I hope today gets better.
Title: Unfinished
I have sat with this screen opened all day. Waiting for the words to come.
They ditched me. They didn't even call to let me know they weren't coming. Screw you thoughts.....I don't need you anyway.
They ditched me. They didn't even call to let me know they weren't coming. Screw you thoughts.....I don't need you anyway.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Thoughtful Thursdays
Just wanted to let everyone know, whoever may read this, that EVERY Thursday will now be listed as Thoughtful Thursdays. Hopefully this will catch on, because I believe it is something that would be beneficial.
Every Thursday do something thoughtful for someone other than yourself. Whether it be as small as holding the door open for someone, or as big as ... well whatever you want to put your big thoughtful limit as. Just take the time to help out someone in your day. If you do it even everyday, awesome! You score points in my book. But try it every Thursday!!
If you are on Twitter, let me know by posting your #thoughtfulthursday good deed by replying to me!
Or email me @ thedanwalker@gmail.com with your good deed.
I'd really love to hear it.
You are awesome!
Every Thursday do something thoughtful for someone other than yourself. Whether it be as small as holding the door open for someone, or as big as ... well whatever you want to put your big thoughtful limit as. Just take the time to help out someone in your day. If you do it even everyday, awesome! You score points in my book. But try it every Thursday!!
If you are on Twitter, let me know by posting your #thoughtfulthursday good deed by replying to me!
Or email me @ thedanwalker@gmail.com with your good deed.
I'd really love to hear it.
You are awesome!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Into the Wild
So lately I have been depressed about going to work. I haven't felt like me spending 8 hours in a call center is doing good for anyone. Especially myself. And what pains me is that this right here, is my life. This is my chance to do anything that I want to do. And at this moment I have chosen to work in a call center and be committed to working so someone upstairs can get paid. It doesn't feel right to me.
The people who call in want only one thing. Money. They are calling me complaining about money, or why they were charged something, or soemthing along those lines. And it seems evil. Like pure evil. Now I am not a religious person at all. But the bible was correct when it said money is the root of all evil.
I hate the fact that I am being punished sometimes for being 30 seconds late according to a computer. We are humans and things come up and we work on our own clock. But all of us are constantly running around trying to make our bodies arrive at some place at a specific time. And with my job, if I clock in 1 minute late, I get threatened to lose my job because it has happened too often.
Now I know you can say, "Well you need to start being more responsible." And that is true. I could get to work earlier and such and do the things I need to do to make myself arrive on time. But with my life, I have a lot of unexpected things come up. A car that doesn't run well, money to put gas in my car to arrive on time, taking care of loved ones around me. Lots of different unexpected things. But honestly, my 30 second tardy wont effect the company at all.
Its come to the point where I honestly believe we are trying to turn ourselves from being people into machines. A well oiled machine that doesn't skip a beat. But that isn't how we are. Our situations are always changing. We are never running the same. Our idle speed changes, when we push on the gas for weeks at a time we eventually burn out. We are not perfect.
When we are kids we have all these dreams. We want to be a million different things and do a million different things. But eventually as we grow up, we are forced to believe in a behavior that is probably the worst thing ever.
Settling.
We begin to believe that those dreams are JUST dreams. They can never be a reality. We begin to settle in believing that they will never happen. But that is the most awful behavior ever. People who settle in relationships because they dont believe they deserve better. People who settle with their job because they don't try to get that promotion or chase what will make them truly happy. People who settle to be treated awful by others because they believe they deserve it.
What can we do to make us truly happy. Why are we told constantly to chase our dreams but we never do. Your destiny is effected in each moment you take action or don't take action. Transform your life today with each moment you take charge of. Make a difference in your life. Get unstuck!
Get unstuck from that abusive physical or verbal relationship you are in. Get unstuck from that dead end job that you go to everyday knowing that you are not happy doing.
Everyone has a story to tell on why they can't do something. We are so excited to tell those stories. I'm done with telling mine. I'm done with listening to yours.
The people who call in want only one thing. Money. They are calling me complaining about money, or why they were charged something, or soemthing along those lines. And it seems evil. Like pure evil. Now I am not a religious person at all. But the bible was correct when it said money is the root of all evil.
I hate the fact that I am being punished sometimes for being 30 seconds late according to a computer. We are humans and things come up and we work on our own clock. But all of us are constantly running around trying to make our bodies arrive at some place at a specific time. And with my job, if I clock in 1 minute late, I get threatened to lose my job because it has happened too often.
Now I know you can say, "Well you need to start being more responsible." And that is true. I could get to work earlier and such and do the things I need to do to make myself arrive on time. But with my life, I have a lot of unexpected things come up. A car that doesn't run well, money to put gas in my car to arrive on time, taking care of loved ones around me. Lots of different unexpected things. But honestly, my 30 second tardy wont effect the company at all.
Its come to the point where I honestly believe we are trying to turn ourselves from being people into machines. A well oiled machine that doesn't skip a beat. But that isn't how we are. Our situations are always changing. We are never running the same. Our idle speed changes, when we push on the gas for weeks at a time we eventually burn out. We are not perfect.
When we are kids we have all these dreams. We want to be a million different things and do a million different things. But eventually as we grow up, we are forced to believe in a behavior that is probably the worst thing ever.
Settling.
We begin to believe that those dreams are JUST dreams. They can never be a reality. We begin to settle in believing that they will never happen. But that is the most awful behavior ever. People who settle in relationships because they dont believe they deserve better. People who settle with their job because they don't try to get that promotion or chase what will make them truly happy. People who settle to be treated awful by others because they believe they deserve it.
What can we do to make us truly happy. Why are we told constantly to chase our dreams but we never do. Your destiny is effected in each moment you take action or don't take action. Transform your life today with each moment you take charge of. Make a difference in your life. Get unstuck!
Get unstuck from that abusive physical or verbal relationship you are in. Get unstuck from that dead end job that you go to everyday knowing that you are not happy doing.
Everyone has a story to tell on why they can't do something. We are so excited to tell those stories. I'm done with telling mine. I'm done with listening to yours.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
You're not that important to me....I guess...
So I recently signed in to my Facebook and Myspace and ventured into my inbox. I decided to go through and delete a lot of messages that were just cluttering up in there and get it a little more organized.
Upon doing this, I realized that there were a lot of conversations with people or messages where people wrote me long, elaborate emails....and I said nothing back. Especially in my Facebook. A lot of messages from people who haven't seen me since high school wanting to know what I have been up to and reconnect. And yet I said nothing. Most of the time the mindset when reading these messages is "I'll get to it later when I can sit down and write back". But I never make the time and when I clean out my inbox, I'm looking at those 8 month old messages where a person was never replied to. I guess I come off as sort of an asshole huh? Maybe I should create more time to re-building those friendships with those people. Or was the drifting apart for a good reason? I am not sure.
Am I the only one who does this? Because it seems that it happens often with my mailbox. I seriously will come across a minimum of 20 messages. Some were even ones that I replied to, was having a conversation with, and then just left them hanging. I didn't ever continue the conversation. I guess I need to look for the cause. Was I just bored with it? Was I just replying to be nice. Or did I just get busy or have something come up that it got put off and forgotten? The answer we may never know. But within the next week I will put a little more effort in responding to them.
Or....so I say....
Derek Woodward
Once upon a time I checked my email....this is what I found. Good advice from a good friend.
You can be happy. You can live the life you want to live. You can become the person you want to be.
This is what I've figured out so far.
Stop assigning blame. This is the first step. Stop assigning blame and leave the past behind you.
You know whose fault it is that your life isn't perfect. Your boss. Your teachers. Your ex-lovers. The ones who hurt you, the ones who abused you, the ones who left you bleeding. Or even yourself. You know whose fault it is — you've been telling yourself your whole life. Knowing whose fault it is that your life sucks is an excellent way to absolve yourself of any reponsibility for taking your life into your own hands.
Forget about it. Let it go. The past isn't real. “That was in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.” If we're not talking about something that is real and present and in your life right now, then it doesn't matter. Nothing can be done about it. If nothing can be done about it, then don't spend your energy dwelling on it — you have other things to do.
I may sound cruel, I may sound simplistic, I may sound like I'm saying you should just “get over it,” by suggesting that you should let go of your past. I'm sorry for that. But life won't hold still and wait for you to lick your wounds. The race is still being run. Get up and keep moving. You can't do anything about yesterday.
You can do something about tomorrow. And about the next day. Focus your energies there.
“I don't have time to write.” “I can't dance.” “I can't talk to new people.” “I'm not attractive.”
I hear this all the time. I always hear the people around me sabotaging themselves, drawing lines and borders and boxes around themselves.
To which I say, make the time; dance; just talk to people; be attractive!
Yes, again, it's simplistic of me to say that. But it's simplistic of you to so easily say what you cannot do!
We're excellent pattern-matchers. That's what the human mind does — it's a pattern-matching engine. So we look at ourselves, at our history, at our behaviors, and we draw straight lines between the points — we assume that just because we've done things a certain way in the past, we'll always do them that way in the future. If we've failed before, we'll always fail.
Screw that.
Surprise yourself. No — amaze yourself.
You don't have to keep doing the things you hate. Why go home and beat yourself up for, say, not going over and saying a few words to someone you find really attractive? Can any damage they could do to you by rejecting you possibly be any worse than the damage you're going to do to yourself for missing the chance?
Find the demon.
Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the little voice in the back of your head that's always whispering, “You can't.” You know the demon. You may think you hate the demon, but you don't. You love it. You let it own you. You do everything it says. Everytime there's something you want, you consult the demon first, to see if it will say, “You can't have that.”
What you don't realize is that your demon doesn't know anything. It's an idiot. It's nothing but a parrot, repeating back to you anything negative that it's ever heard, anything that makes you hurt, makes you squirm. If a teacher once told you “You'll never accomplish anything,” it was listening; it hoards words like that and repeats them back to you to watch you jump. It doesn't know what it's saying. It doesn't care.
Exorcise yourself.
You can take me literally or not, as suits you. But do, please, the next time you hear that voice in your head, imagine it, visualize it, as something physical that you can get hold of; tear it out of you, feel its fingers weaken and lose their grip on your spine, and grind it to dust, to nothing, under your boot heel on your way out to dance in the streets.
You can. You think you can't; but it's telling you that. You can.
You don't exist.
You just think you do.
We're nothing but the stories we tell ourselves. We know in our hearts what kind of people we are, what we're capable of, because we've told ourselves what kind of people we are. You're a carefully-rehearsed list of weaknesses and strengths you've told yourself you have.
(Self-confidence, for example, is a particularly nebulous quality you can easily talk yourself out of having.)
You owe no allegiance to that self-image if it harms you. If you don't like the story your life has become — tell yourself a better one.
Think about the person you want to be and do what that person would do. Act the way that person would act.
Amazingly enough, once you start acting like that person, people will start treating you like that person.
And you'll start to believe it. And then it will be true.
Welcome to your new self.
You are a product of your environnent.
Most people realize this — usually, in the form of having something else to blame — but they tend to forget one important fact:
Humans are the masters of changing their environment.
What this means is that if your environment affects you, and you can affect your environment, then obviously, you can affect yourself.
Your environment includes people. Figure out who in your life isn't good for you, whose presence tears you down more than it builds you up, whose nearness is poison to you — and get rid of them. Get them out of your life. I don't care if it's your best friend, your boss, your mother, your lover — if they are harming you, if they are doing nothing but reinforce everything bad you tell yourself about yourself, then your relationship with them needs to radically alter or it needs to end.
Your environment includes goals. Don't set yourself pie-in-the-sky impossible goals and then beat yourself up over not achieving them — set yourself goals that will be good for you, not a source of pain. Attainable goals. Set them and meet them. Don't tell yourself you can't — that's the old story, that story you used to tell yourself about what a poor sad victim you were and how you could never change anything about your life. You can meet your goals. This is the new story. Trying to clean your house? Good for you — a clean house can really affect your state of mind for the better. But don't say “Today I'm going to clean the entire house from top to bottom,” when you don't have the time and energy to — don't set yourself up for failure; don't feed the demon. Just say, “Today I'm going to wash all the dishes and clean off the kitchen counter.” And do it.
Don't tell yourself, “This month I'm going to write that novel.” Tell yourself, “Today I'm going to write five pages.” And do it. Take your dreams and break them down into small pieces and you'll have them in your hands before you know it.
And you'll find, as you start meeting your goals, that you like it. That it feels good, makes you feel confident and capable. You'll develop a hunger for it.
Your environment includes yourself — your physical presence. Do what you know you need to do — treat yourself better. Sleep, eat right, exercise. This doesn't mean you have to stop staying out late at night now and then, it doesn't mean you can't have a candy bar, it doesn't mean you have to stop sitting around watching television — it just means start doing the things that are good for you as well as the things that are bad for you, every so often. It's not an all-or-nothing proposition; you don't have to devote your life to being a health nut. Just try eating more fruits and vegetables, the occasional vegetarian meal; go for walks in the park on the weekends. You'll feel better and be more alert if you're a little healthier, and once you start feeling a little better, you'll start wanting the things that make you feel better. You'll see.
Your environment includes your appearance. If you're not happy with yourself, if you're angry with the person in the mirror, it can honestly help to literally change who you see when you look in the mirror. Try a different hairstyle, new glasses, new jewelry, new clothes. It doesn't have to be expensive — there's a whole universe full of possible You's waiting to be found in thrift stores, if need be. If you're deciding to become the person you want to be, then decide what that person is going to look like. Dress the part. It's not shallow, it's not about vanity, it's about self-transformation — even the most primitive tribes understand the value of costumes and masks for ritual, for change, for becoming someone else.
You are not an object. You are a system. Like with any system, if you change the inputs — change what goes into it — you'll change what comes out.
Despite everything I've just said:
Self-examination can be paralysis.
Don't “remember to breathe” — just breathe. It's a Tao thing.
It's the paradox at the center of all this — remember that, “Am I living up to being the person I want to be?”, is not a question the person you want to be would ask.
If I can leave you with just one thought, it's this:
Stop wasting your time fretting over not being happy.
Just be happy.
Best Regards,
Derek Woodward
This is what I've figured out so far.
Stop assigning blame. This is the first step. Stop assigning blame and leave the past behind you.
You know whose fault it is that your life isn't perfect. Your boss. Your teachers. Your ex-lovers. The ones who hurt you, the ones who abused you, the ones who left you bleeding. Or even yourself. You know whose fault it is — you've been telling yourself your whole life. Knowing whose fault it is that your life sucks is an excellent way to absolve yourself of any reponsibility for taking your life into your own hands.
Forget about it. Let it go. The past isn't real. “That was in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.” If we're not talking about something that is real and present and in your life right now, then it doesn't matter. Nothing can be done about it. If nothing can be done about it, then don't spend your energy dwelling on it — you have other things to do.
I may sound cruel, I may sound simplistic, I may sound like I'm saying you should just “get over it,” by suggesting that you should let go of your past. I'm sorry for that. But life won't hold still and wait for you to lick your wounds. The race is still being run. Get up and keep moving. You can't do anything about yesterday.
You can do something about tomorrow. And about the next day. Focus your energies there.
“I don't have time to write.” “I can't dance.” “I can't talk to new people.” “I'm not attractive.”
I hear this all the time. I always hear the people around me sabotaging themselves, drawing lines and borders and boxes around themselves.
To which I say, make the time; dance; just talk to people; be attractive!
Yes, again, it's simplistic of me to say that. But it's simplistic of you to so easily say what you cannot do!
We're excellent pattern-matchers. That's what the human mind does — it's a pattern-matching engine. So we look at ourselves, at our history, at our behaviors, and we draw straight lines between the points — we assume that just because we've done things a certain way in the past, we'll always do them that way in the future. If we've failed before, we'll always fail.
Screw that.
Surprise yourself. No — amaze yourself.
You don't have to keep doing the things you hate. Why go home and beat yourself up for, say, not going over and saying a few words to someone you find really attractive? Can any damage they could do to you by rejecting you possibly be any worse than the damage you're going to do to yourself for missing the chance?
Find the demon.
Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the little voice in the back of your head that's always whispering, “You can't.” You know the demon. You may think you hate the demon, but you don't. You love it. You let it own you. You do everything it says. Everytime there's something you want, you consult the demon first, to see if it will say, “You can't have that.”
What you don't realize is that your demon doesn't know anything. It's an idiot. It's nothing but a parrot, repeating back to you anything negative that it's ever heard, anything that makes you hurt, makes you squirm. If a teacher once told you “You'll never accomplish anything,” it was listening; it hoards words like that and repeats them back to you to watch you jump. It doesn't know what it's saying. It doesn't care.
Exorcise yourself.
You can take me literally or not, as suits you. But do, please, the next time you hear that voice in your head, imagine it, visualize it, as something physical that you can get hold of; tear it out of you, feel its fingers weaken and lose their grip on your spine, and grind it to dust, to nothing, under your boot heel on your way out to dance in the streets.
You can. You think you can't; but it's telling you that. You can.
You don't exist.
You just think you do.
We're nothing but the stories we tell ourselves. We know in our hearts what kind of people we are, what we're capable of, because we've told ourselves what kind of people we are. You're a carefully-rehearsed list of weaknesses and strengths you've told yourself you have.
(Self-confidence, for example, is a particularly nebulous quality you can easily talk yourself out of having.)
You owe no allegiance to that self-image if it harms you. If you don't like the story your life has become — tell yourself a better one.
Think about the person you want to be and do what that person would do. Act the way that person would act.
Amazingly enough, once you start acting like that person, people will start treating you like that person.
And you'll start to believe it. And then it will be true.
Welcome to your new self.
You are a product of your environnent.
Most people realize this — usually, in the form of having something else to blame — but they tend to forget one important fact:
Humans are the masters of changing their environment.
What this means is that if your environment affects you, and you can affect your environment, then obviously, you can affect yourself.
Your environment includes people. Figure out who in your life isn't good for you, whose presence tears you down more than it builds you up, whose nearness is poison to you — and get rid of them. Get them out of your life. I don't care if it's your best friend, your boss, your mother, your lover — if they are harming you, if they are doing nothing but reinforce everything bad you tell yourself about yourself, then your relationship with them needs to radically alter or it needs to end.
Your environment includes goals. Don't set yourself pie-in-the-sky impossible goals and then beat yourself up over not achieving them — set yourself goals that will be good for you, not a source of pain. Attainable goals. Set them and meet them. Don't tell yourself you can't — that's the old story, that story you used to tell yourself about what a poor sad victim you were and how you could never change anything about your life. You can meet your goals. This is the new story. Trying to clean your house? Good for you — a clean house can really affect your state of mind for the better. But don't say “Today I'm going to clean the entire house from top to bottom,” when you don't have the time and energy to — don't set yourself up for failure; don't feed the demon. Just say, “Today I'm going to wash all the dishes and clean off the kitchen counter.” And do it.
Don't tell yourself, “This month I'm going to write that novel.” Tell yourself, “Today I'm going to write five pages.” And do it. Take your dreams and break them down into small pieces and you'll have them in your hands before you know it.
And you'll find, as you start meeting your goals, that you like it. That it feels good, makes you feel confident and capable. You'll develop a hunger for it.
Your environment includes yourself — your physical presence. Do what you know you need to do — treat yourself better. Sleep, eat right, exercise. This doesn't mean you have to stop staying out late at night now and then, it doesn't mean you can't have a candy bar, it doesn't mean you have to stop sitting around watching television — it just means start doing the things that are good for you as well as the things that are bad for you, every so often. It's not an all-or-nothing proposition; you don't have to devote your life to being a health nut. Just try eating more fruits and vegetables, the occasional vegetarian meal; go for walks in the park on the weekends. You'll feel better and be more alert if you're a little healthier, and once you start feeling a little better, you'll start wanting the things that make you feel better. You'll see.
Your environment includes your appearance. If you're not happy with yourself, if you're angry with the person in the mirror, it can honestly help to literally change who you see when you look in the mirror. Try a different hairstyle, new glasses, new jewelry, new clothes. It doesn't have to be expensive — there's a whole universe full of possible You's waiting to be found in thrift stores, if need be. If you're deciding to become the person you want to be, then decide what that person is going to look like. Dress the part. It's not shallow, it's not about vanity, it's about self-transformation — even the most primitive tribes understand the value of costumes and masks for ritual, for change, for becoming someone else.
You are not an object. You are a system. Like with any system, if you change the inputs — change what goes into it — you'll change what comes out.
Despite everything I've just said:
Self-examination can be paralysis.
Don't “remember to breathe” — just breathe. It's a Tao thing.
It's the paradox at the center of all this — remember that, “Am I living up to being the person I want to be?”, is not a question the person you want to be would ask.
If I can leave you with just one thought, it's this:
Stop wasting your time fretting over not being happy.
Just be happy.
Best Regards,
Derek Woodward
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