portrait?

self portrait?
Originally uploaded by Teenyyy

Mine.

All I See

I've been thinking about us at humans. And how we relate to one another. How two people can connect on different levels. With friendship and relationships. How a lot of people look at the blue prints of something rather than the finished product. Before they actually invest the time to look into things and see when there is more to something than just the basics. But isn't that we do? As humans? We judge by nature. We create an opinion from the second something begins or is learned. But as we learn more, our opinion grows and changes. Recently I have found someone who I relate to very well. And after examining our friendship for the past year and few months, I decided to take it to the next level. This person I have great, deep conversation with. I can relate on many levels and we have similar interests and opinions. We have a good understanding of eachother. In any other situation I would laugh at my choices and myself. But I am perfectly ok with the situation that has presented itself to me. I can look at the negatives. I can see the pros and cons of things. I understand how everyone can view my situation and think negatively about it. But when it comes down to it, the only thing that matters is my opinion, her opinion, and our parents. All of which are ok with our situation. People can think my motives are greedy and manipulative. But anyone who knows me knows that I am not one of those people. I have a heart that I am willing to give to fully to anyone I choose. I have respect for peoples opinions, situations, etc. I come to believe I am a good person. My motives are respectable and I will always choose to better someone and never choose to harm someone. I cannot claim no faults. As human I am destine to make mistakes from time to time. But I always take responsibility for myself and my actions. I am happy that I can make this person happy. I am happy this person is in my life. I truly do love this person. She's always been there for me. And been such a sweetheart to me. You can make your assumptions, but you do not know me if you do not choose to understand.

I want this.

first of_06
Originally uploaded by shewhoeats

Now.

Icy Cool Bubble Tea

Icy Cool Bubble Tea (Explored #129)
Originally uploaded by ¤ antty ¤

Yum. I want one.

Its an interesting place I find myself at while I sit here at work in the early morning. I spend most nights fantasizing about where I want to be and what I want to spend my life doing. But every morning I wake and end up wasting a day doing something I hate. I'm trying to find my center. I'm trying to find my euphoria. It will come to me eventually. It has to. These aren't just dreams. Its almost as if I feel I can look into the future and I see me being who I see. That person of where I am and who I am is amazing. Its real. Its no fantasy. I know to get to that person, I cannot just sit around and wait for it to happen. The most amazing part about it is that I know the steps I need to take. I know I have it in me too. I feel amazing. I am amazing. I want this world to see it.
I can't get you out of my head. I tried to run away from you to protect you. I tried to remove myself from the situation to have a better chance in the future for maybe something. But you've been on my mind. And you really shouldn't be. Everything about the idea of you and I is wrong. We shouldn't be what I know we both want. But I want it badly. Even though we don't talk much, I think about you a lot throughout the day. I miss you. And sometimes, I feel as if we're perfect for each other. But I shouldn't be teasing myself like this. I love teasing you though. I love joking around with you and being silly. Its honestly the most real I've ever been. You're lucky to see this part of me. Because most never do. Man, I really love the idea of "us". I should stop daydreaming before I get myself in trouble. I'm a sucker.
I've been thinking about technology lately and all the pros and cons to advancing it. Of course life saving technology and all that stuff is great and excellent. But I'm more talking about cell phone, internet, etc. Things we use on a daily basis. I was watching a comedian the other day who based part of his stand-up about how we have become greedy with technology and instant service. How we have all lost our patience. When we don't have 3G service, we freak out. How when the pilot comes on and tells the passengers the high-speed internet isn't working, people complain. 5 years ago, the things we use now on a daily basis, we wouldn't really even think imaginable. But I've noticed something about the youth of today. They are much smarter than the youth of 10 years ago. With information being so easy to access and cultures and lifestyles being shared and mixed in a way. The youth today is more creative and has a growing potential to become something great. Unfortunately the youth is also retarded. They use technology as a crutch. Not needing to learn something because technology will do it for them. I wonder where we will be in ten years. But we'll just have to wait and see.
I have good friends. I love everyone. People who are genuinely good inside. And are not just fairweather friends. We help each other up. We have a good time. We're all about laughing, strengthening our bonds. I love that we enjoy eachothers company and are big on getting together, even if it is something as simple as watching a movie or tv at someones house. Christian, Drew, Riley, Mat, Natty, Jordan, Court, etc. I fucking love you dudes. Its nice to have such reliable chill DUDE friends. I've also met some new people who have been really fun to hang out with. I love networking and making friends with people from all over. Its nice to know who you have. And its sad when you also find out the character of some people. But if you remove them, they just become a step up to get you to the top.
This is all I have for now. I didn't really think I had much to say today but I got a decent size post out of this. Until next time...

the road home pt. 2

Definitely not sure what has happened in the past 4 months. It's almost as if life is a blender. And parts of me have been thrown in and chopped and mixed around. Now parts I felt great about I feel unsure about. Parts I feel unsure about I don't care for anymore. And parts I love I feel hate towards.

I'm not ok with who I am lately. I feel like one of those people in a booth that has to scramble to get as many dollars as possible because whatever they can hold they can keep. But instead for me, the items that are dashing around me are the pieces to my life. And I'm running out of time.

I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. My own personal beliefs and such. And after many conversations about this lately, it feels like sometimes that it could be the emptiness that I feel inside me. But at other times I feel like that cannot be it. Maybe it's just because I feel I have it figured out. It's so simple and yet, something that complex and deep, cannot be so easily figured out. But I have.

There is one person who hates me right now. And I am sorry for letting you down and disappearing. But I still love you to death and can't wait to see you again.

I no longer know the benefit or meaning of a good night sleep. I have not slept in a decent bed in over a year. Since spring of 2008 it's been either a floor or a destroyed or overused mattress. I wake up tired, in pain, and sleep for hours because I never achieve the deep sleep. I think I will blow a ton of money on a mattress sometime soon.

"...in the time it takes for you to make love,
you could break love, waste love,
and throw it all away.
But all you need is faith
and hope will bring a brighter day.
And every time that you love
let it lift someone else up.
I tell you man you must be 'crazy'
am I always lazy when it comes to love?
With every failure and turning tide
I toss the boomerang but ah,
it never comes back to me.
Have some faith you say
and hope will find it's way?
Well, I doubt what you're sure of
when it seems to me the
greatest of these is love... but it's so hard to love."

Well, we were sitting on his boat our backs to each other he was giving me a little time. And all that he said was hurting my head wondering how to leave the selfishness behind all that I could say is:

'It's so hard to love...
the way that you want me to.'"

These words have been stuck in my head lately. I don't know why it speaks to me so much. It seems like it is trying to tell me something...but I cannot figure it out. I feel sometimes like there are too many flaws in me for trying to achieve what I want. I have self confidence, don't get me wrong. But I feel that the certain details about me prevent those few things that I long for so badly.

"I want to sing my song to somebody who doubts what they're made of."

I miss my friends. I miss the memories from the past. I miss the feelings that we once shared with each other. I miss the jokes, I miss the laughter. I miss the connection, I miss the circle that could not be destroyed. I'm trying so hard to put everything back together. If everyone could only see how sincere it really is. There is no pride, there is no limit that I would push myself to make everyone feel comfortable again. I have missed everyone so much. If there is one thing I regret, it is letting her become between all of us. You are absolutely right when you say "I would take it back if I could." And I am trying to let you know. It felt so amazing the other day when you asked for my opinion. I was nervous as hell in telling you. Not nervous to offend you, not nervous for anything silly like that. But I was overcome with such joy and emotion for you asking what I thought, knowing that my opinion you would take to heart, that I was trying my hardest not to show you. I know you all just as well that you know eachother. You guys are my home. You are my youth, you are my past, and I want you to be my future. If you will have me. You are my best friends, and I love you guys forever.

the road home pt. 1

I'm feeling awfully lost lately,
while feeling like home is coming back to me.